Hope you get this important article in time for the big day, folks. Me, I mailed in my ballot and after you read this piece on the other contenders, it’ll be pretty clear which American presidential hopeful received my vote.
Gary Johnson (Libertarian)
Son of a bitch! This guy is a handsome ass-kicker of a man’s man and he’s down with Mary Jane? How the hell does that work when he looks so much like a cop? Well, who hasn’t played both sides of the fence before?
Kathyern Lane (Republican)
She’s a mom and has worked “in the private sector.” I guess since I’ve been called a mother fucker a few times and have had non-public jobs a few times, icanhazprezidency2?
Andy Martin (Republican)
Just off his stint as host of the game show “Guess Who’s YOUR Attorney General,” Andy Martin is ready to be your Bald Eagle Master Handler in Chief !
Jimmy McMillan (Republican)
Fuck yeah! I know what you’re thinking: “E Willy, you’re just voting for him because he’s Irish and you’re a 1/12 Irish too.” You’d be right; I’m typing this right now in wool underwear, drinking Guinness from a mug shaped like a shillelagh!
Ron Paul (Republican)
The creepy, dentist-looking dude that is a little too obvious that he’s hiding a needle behind his back, then jabs straight into your gum with no restraint. “It’s supposed to hit the bone. That’s how I know it’s all. The way. In.”
Stewart Alexander (Socialist)
I loved this guy on Seinfeld and I can’t say enough about his performance during the Bacchus Parade. Wait, Socialist? We can’t have anyone from the Nazi Party running this country… again!
Stephen Rollins (Independent)
This guy is a firecracker of America all wrapped up in a rosy-cheeked bundle of… of… of a Stephen Rollins! Actor, just like Ron Reagan: check. Jersey roller hockey: check. Possible relations to Henry Rollins? Check. Amazing political campaign slogan: check. “Let’s put politics aside and do what’s right for this nation.” Exactly what I want the main politician of this country to do: put politics aside.
Matt Snyder (Republican)
Don’t let those beady eyes and bluecollar shirt fool you, folks; he can get in there and talk big like the rest of the stuffy shirt lot. Sure, when he first heard the term boardroom he asked, “what kind of wood is that board?” When it comes down to running this nation, he wants it “dead on!” No more of this “a little caulk and a little paint will make this nation what it ain’t!” I heard he ate a whole bear just because it was in the way of a tree he wanted to use as a toothpick.
Vern Wuensche (Republican)
I’ve been following Vern Wuensche’s (win-she) career for quite a while, so when I heard that Vern Wuensche was planning to throw his kielbasa in the ring, I said to myself; Vern Wuensche is the man. If Vern Wuensche can’t do it, than what other Wuensche can? Vern Wuensche. KnowwhatimeanVern?
Jill Stein (Green Party)
The last time I made her an espresso, she was very thankful. She wasn’t happy with it; she wasn’t unpleasant about her issues with it; she was very firm on what was wrong with it and extremely helpful on how I could make it better the next time. I agreed. Unfortunately, the coffee shop I was working for was incapable of making the changes needed to satisfy her wishes within the next 3 decades.
Virgil Goode (Constitution Party)
What’s good for the constitution is Goode for the party. This must mean that he’s pro-weed too, because every weed-head I’ve known has told me that smoking dope was good for their constitution. All kidding aside, this guy isn’t afraid to wear bright orange even if he isn’t doing safety work. (wink, wink)
Roseanne Barr (Peace and Freedom Party)
With a last name like Barr you know a man raised in NOLA ain’t thinking twice about giving her my vote. My wife just informed me that she’s actually responsible for a clownish rendition of our national anthem. Now, me being one for clowning around, I do appreciate this conceptually, but not presidentially. Even Marcel Marceau had enough sense to not run for office.
