A cat fight screaming sets off a dog barking, which sets off all the dogs barking; soon it’s a cacophony of dogs and as if conducted by a drunken symphony conductor, a random scream is heard in the distance, followed by the distant and rapidly approaching wail of a police siren. I live on a main thoroughfare cops use to cross a “mountain;” Friday nights are exciting. Here comes a police car and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, then the police helicopter. The best is the few hound dogs in the neighborhood who howl along with the siren. I love that they do that. All this noise and inspiration is keeping me from my tossing and turning while I have imaginary fist fights with people I’ve never met over why I prefer to watch a sports game independently of favoritism and just accept it for what it is, a bunch of bullshit interrupted by fanfare and posturing. My allergies are acting up: I can tell by the deep meaty taste that this isn’t just some cold, it’s another sinus infection. I suck the wads of mucus from my sinus cavity, into my esophagus and into my mouth, sloshing them to and fro, sizing them up, evaluating the intensity of the flavor-infection before I swallow them (contrary to popular belief or what your doctor told you, it doesn’t matter if you spit it out or swallow, just as long as you get it out of your sinus’.) Sorry if you’re eating, but if you too suffer, try Alkolol: it’s mouthwash for your sinus’. I hear eating local bee honey helps allergies and have entertained the idea of keeping bees. I like the sound and idea of it, beekeeping; kind of romantic and not as death-defying as base jumping or expensive as moto-cross, Nascar, anything to do with snow or boats. All of those are a bunch of rich man games but not rich like lacrosse or golf. The only real athletes these days are the ones who are competing in competitions with small purses that happen between a few hundred people and have governing bodies that sustain themselves with little to no outside sponsorship or none at all; all the other athletes are prostituted by people making much more off their passions and ego-driven, encouraged narcissism. Start buying guns and bullets. No reason I say that, I just think if we’re gonna be American, you might as well live up the stereotype; but go all out and get the open carry and concealed carry permit; insist on having it at church and in the doctor’s office. Click click “I think I said ‘ahhh’ well long enough doctor. Now you look in my nose and leave my espohogi to its esophogatin.’” Then as you holster your gun, pull out a big juicy hamburger and bite it without taking your eyes off the doctor. Never be without your gun or a hamburger! If all energy is the same energy created and continuous, I think we should be utilizing our fingernails and earwax more. Some French dude made leather out of hair. I’ve heard of wearing a hair shirt, but hair boots? “They” say there’s a time and a place for everything and hey, if I live to 120 years old, maybe setting myself on fire, running naked through a funeral while wearing hair boots just may be appropriate; until then I’ll stick to my Quoddy’s. Yeah, they’re expensive, but they’re made in America. What? Don’t tell me you want to meet me in my imagination and duke it out on that one buddy, because that’s just the scenario I need to be thinking about as a cat fight screaming sets off a dog barking, which sets off all the dogs barking…
