Eric Andre is not a stable human being. Watch a few minutes of his late night talk show on Adult Swim (produced by the same folks who birthed the bizarre Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!) and that fact becomes painfully clear. Visit his website (ericandre.com) to be lead down a path of vaguely offensive sensory overload and get an idea of the madness that lurks within. Once you’ve done that, regather yourself and take a peek at this month’s advice column, penned by the man himself. He rolls into town to wrap up Hell Yes Fest at One Eyed Jack’s on November 18th, with a show that promises both real and fake celebrity appearances and the distinct possibility of the crowd being covered in something gooey.
My coworkers all like to party together on the weekends. I like them well enough but I feel like at the end of the week I’ve had enough and I want the weekends to myself. But it does make it awkward sometimes and I’m often the odd person out. Should I cave in and go socializing with them or just accept my role as office misanthrope?
No way! Trust your fucking GUT for fuck’s sake! What is wrong with you?! Use your fucking brain!!! Your delicious brain. Listen, your co-workers are JERKS! They told me that you were gonna write this to me. They told me, but I tried not to listen. I think that they are wasting your time, girlfriend! You feel me? You like 311?
Every year for Thanksgiving, my family foregoes an entire kitchen full of dishware and goes plastic/disposable for everything. I’ve offered to wash the dishes every year but I’m shot down nonetheless. I think it’s horribly wasteful. How can I get my family to change this bad habit?
Burn the plastic inside the house and have everyone inhale the fumes during dinner. Then recite the entire book of Dianetics to them as you hold hands. Bow wow wow. Lemme lick your lollipop. I’m George Clooney. I’m George Clooney. I’m George Clooney.
My boyfriend and I were on a mutual “hiatus” where we were technically broken up for a few months. In that time, I did hook up with another guy but it was a one time thing. Anyways, now me and my bf are back together and he wants to know if anything happened. Since we were technically broken up, I think it’s just better to lie… But then it’s still lying. What should I do?
Listen, your boyfriend is a real dummy anyway and just a hot piece of ass that you toss around like a fuck rag-doll for your friends’ enjoyment. Put a pinky in his butt and check his rectal temperature and then ask him if he’s ever been dishonest. Go ahead. I’ll wait… See! The dude is a hypocrite. Not to mention his ass looks like Kentucky Fried Bullshit! Monogamy is meaningless. We weren’t designed to do it. Monogamy used to be a property transaction and is based on the enslavement of women. We’re not biologically geared towards it. Tell him to read some Christopher Ryan/Cacilda Jetha and get a fucking grip on reality.
