Nikki Mingledorff is the owner of Learning Through Play, Resilient Living, and the program director of the Family Mediation & Divorce Center. Her background is in marriage and family therapy, but Nikki found her true calling as an educator, coach, and consultant where she focuses on resilience, relationships, parenting, and co-parenting. A graduate of Tulane, Nikki has called New Orleans home for over 25 years. She and her husband Jason live in Algiers Point with their three boys (ages 16, 13, and 10), a dog, four cats, and plenty of plants. A consummate traveler, voracious reader, and lover of all things tea, she firmly believes fest season is the best season.
THE MANY FACES OF YOURSELF
I still vividly remember the early days of my adulthood. I’d been living on my own for a while and had moved across the country to California to begin graduate school—far away from most of my friends, my fiancé, and my family. I was managing classes, an internship, a social life, family relationships, a burgeoning new career, comprehensive exams, and planning a large wedding back in New Orleans. I was planning for the rest of my life. At the time, I couldn’t fathom being any busier—managing everything was already so stressful. It’s funny looking back on it now because the stress level I was experiencing then due to major life transitions is so much more of a common occurrence now while trying to successfully raise three kids, manage three businesses, and maintain a healthy, balanced life for myself and for my family.
Change happens in the blink of an eye! I had a baby, then a toddler, then started looking for schools, and then had two kids. Pretty soon a third baby was on his way, and we were juggling multiple schools, after-school activities, play dates, friends, and a marriage. Throw in work, managing a household, changing careers, jobs and job duties, and there was so much to juggle. Being a parent can really put you through the wringer! Nothing stays still. Constant transitions became the new norm, and I had to consistently try and find myself—to try to stay true to myself through the chaos. That was really hard to do when it’s so much easier to get bogged down by all of life’s many responsibilities. To do that well, I really had to learn how to be flexible and master the art of adaptability.
Recognizing & Balancing My Many Sides
In my first ANTIGRAVITY column, “The Road to Home,” I detailed my parenting and relationship struggles with my husband, who is a busy local musician. I won’t reiterate the same struggles I discussed there, but through those struggles, I realized that I had to do a better job of balancing the different sides of myself. I’m a parent, spouse, roommate, finance and property manager, cook, chauffeur, teacher, guide, daughter, sister, and aunt. I’ve been a room mom several times, a fellow school parent, friend, neighbor, and godmother as well as a therapist, coach, director, manager, educator, board member, trainer, colleague, and overall career woman. The list goes on and on, and I know I’m not alone. The side of myself that I initially struggled with the most though was being a life partner where I share many of those duties with an equal.
It’s quite something meeting your mate. All that dopamine and adrenaline rushing through your body. Those initial feelings of falling in love are amazing! Then the hard work actually comes into play. Learning how to manage a long-term life with a person has been my greatest life challenge. Figuring out how to live together, raise kids, manage a house, bank account, and careers while also still prioritizing each other is a constant struggle, one that I admit can thoroughly kick my butt some days.
Early on, I found out the hard way how easy it was to fall into a semblance of the archaic stereotype of a “homemaker.” I actually googled “homemaker,” and it’s mind-boggling how this word is still synonymous with “lady of the house.” Like men don’t make a home for themselves! Along the same lines, I remember this disagreement that my husband and I used to have. He used to say if I had plans, he’d “babysit.” I’d always correct him by saying, “You mean you’ll parent your child?!” Hearing that (from other people now, not my husband) still drives me crazy.
One of the best ways I learned how to find balance in my life was setting healthy boundaries and expectations with my husband and my kids. WE are managing this house together. WE are raising our children together. WE are sharing finances, and WE are both working parents, so WE are sharing these duties in a respectful way by mindfully divvying up OUR responsibilities. And WE are also teaching our kids how to become responsible and self-sufficient adults, so WE are also giving them age-appropriate responsibilities to help upkeep OUR house and SHARE the workload. Encouraging and enforcing this MUTUAL partnership mentality has done more for my mental health and sense of balance than I can possibly say.
A woman’s mental load is so real. I found that the best way to break unhealthy patterns was by sharing all of that helpful information that I had in my head, and making it more tangible so that others could help. Whether it was my husband, kids, family members, friends, or people I hired to delegate work to, I found that having a village helped immensely because it was simply unsustainable to try and do it all on my own.
Perfection is NOT the Goal!
Sharing the load takes trust, and it was initially really hard to give. But that brings me to the next lesson I learned: Perfection is NOT the goal. Growth and forward movement is. This was a pretty hard lesson to let sink in because it was certainly not the way I was raised. While working on this, I noticed how this toxic thinking is so common in our society. Moms especially set up entirely unrealistic expectations for themselves, and maybe even for their families.
Accepting that my kids will inevitably make mistakes—and so will my husband—actually felt freeing. If I kept stepping in and “saving them” or saying things like, “It’s just faster and easier if I do it myself,” I was actually robbing my family members of the chance to be more fully realized and self-sufficient human beings. I was also shooting myself in the foot because of the inevitable resentment I’d feel later. Learning that indelibly changed me.
Making Micro-Habits is NOT Micro-Managing
Change is hard, so finding ways to make lasting change was my top priority. Recognizing my strengths and weaknesses helped me get things moving. I’m a visual learner, so I found that if I make time daily to write things down and organize my day or week, that helps a lot. I also tend to lose track of time, so audible reminders are also useful. I found that I get more done when I make a list and set up alarms, reminders, and calendar alerts—but I have to make sure not to go overboard. Otherwise, they drive me crazy! I also tend to schedule too much. (This is definitely still a work in progress!) To help, I found if my list is too long, I get overwhelmed with analysis paralysis of where to start and consequently don’t get much done. To try and prevent that from happening, I have to focus on small, incremental steps to make real progress in the long run.
Even with my time management and organizational systems, there are a lot of “stops” and “starts” because they rarely stay consistent. Again, that damn change! Some weeks are busier than others, sicknesses or other unexpected things pop up, and things don’t always go as planned. To combat this, I found that trying to maintain a more non-judgmental, scientific approach works best. If I break the chain, I start it back up again when I can. And I get support and encouragement from loved ones who know that frustration all too well. Again, it’s that “Nothing is ever going to be perfect” mindset. Giving myself grace is hard, but feeling guilty about not doing something or not doing enough is like holding a brick (or maybe even carrying a bag of bricks). It doesn’t help. It only weighs me down and slows my progress.
Mindset is Key
Feeling guilt is a choice. Words like “should,” “always,” “never,” and accusatory or self-debasing statements sabotage a healthy mindset. How many times can a person say, “I’m so stupid!” before they actually start believing it? Self-talk matters, especially because our kids tend to mirror our actions. During this process, I started imagining what my world would be like if I could encourage myself the way my best friends do. That mindset shift helped me see the world differently, and I’m super proud to say that positive self-talk is a skill I now have. I also learned how to pause for a moment and take a breath when I am feeling overwhelmed. When I take a breather and find some way to pump myself up, everything seems more manageable. Once I honed these mindfulness habits, it helped in every area of my life. I’m so much more confident in myself now because I’ve changed the way I see myself and how I tackle obstacles. It helps to remind myself that I can indeed do hard things.
Connection is Everything
I have to say my biggest support now is my husband, my best friends, and my family. They are my foundation, so I prioritize time with them as my most important form of self-care. My best friends and I make sure to meet and talk regularly. If I haven’t touched base with loved ones in a minute, I literally have a regular reminder on my calendar or a note in my to-do list for me to reach out to them. That’s what I have to do to get the job done, and that’s one of the most fun things I work hard to do! Sometimes it’s a short check-in, while others are more focused quality time (one of my love languages). My husband’s and my schedules change weekly, so we try to schedule intimate and family dates and times whenever we can. It can be as simple as routinely honoring our and our boys’ love languages by giving small gifts, awesome foot rubs, or loving words of encouragement or planning activities and travels, but adding these very specific actions to our life regularly has by far helped the most.
I’ve also learned that I only want a career that has a work culture set up to support working parents, support my real needs (not wants), and allow me to grow professionally. My coworkers and I have supported each other during major life changes, and while that’s something I’m very fortunate to experience, it’s also something I adamantly searched for.
Learning how to say “No” when you’re already overloaded is also an invaluable lesson, and figuring out how to delegate, communicate, and problem-solve is a crucial life skill. Even learning how to ruthlessly cut out activities (and sometimes even people) when they aren’t serving you well is a life-altering ability.
Currently, I’m navigating the waters of the teen, tween, and adolescent years, and the college years are just over the horizon. We’ve also entered the terrain where we’re now more regularly losing loved ones and have started to see more medical concerns in parents and older friends. Establishing a solid support system has helped us all navigate this rocky path. What also helps is knowing who I am and taking solace in my strengths.
The best stories always highlight that at the end of our lives, we’re not going to be concerned if we had a spotless home or a perfectly crafted schedule. Living life large, keeping loved ones feeling loved, and accepting each day as it comes feels like success to me, and that, in turn, feels really good… even with all the stumbles along the way.
New Orleans metro area parents! Want to share your experience with ANTIGRAVITY readers? We’re always looking for a wide variety of parenting voices and circumstances to explore each month. If you’re interested, please get in touch with Erin Hall or head to our About page to fill out a contributor form.
illustrations by Victoria Allen
