Originally from the Westbank, Jordan Entwisle is a chef in New Orleans. He worked in the French Quarter for many years and now runs a Mexican-Italian pop-up out of Zony Mash Brewery called Señor Gabagool. He loves fishing, fantasy RPGs, and spending time with his super amazing wife, their steadfast pooch, and a more recent adoptee, a very naughty kitten.
Mise En Place: Gathering My Thoughts On Fatherhood
My wife and I decided to start trying for a baby in early June this year. We both knew we wanted to be parents and begin this next journey in our lives together. We figured there wasn’t any perfect time to start because I suppose nobody is ever really ready for conceiving a child. You can prepare as much as possible, but until you have the experience, there are too many unknown unknowns. All we knew was we wanted to create a loving and positive space for our child.
When the time came a few months later and we realized we were going to be parents, a wave of emotions came with it. Right off the bat, I was excited. That was the only real emotion I had during the first couple of weeks. As time passed, the nerves started to kick in as the reality became more tangible. The more time passed, the more questions entered my head. What kind of father will I be? Will I be a better father than my own? What does being a good father actually mean? Will I do everything in my power to share the load of parenting with my wife? These are questions that I’m still meditating on as I write this. I suppose it’s normal to have these feelings as you’re awaiting your child’s arrival. I think asking these questions and acknowledging them are positive ways to better prepare yourself and it shows that you care.
Mr. Mom
When my wife first asked me if I wanted to be the stay-at-home parent once our child is born, I was a little hesitant. We knew she made the most money in the household and we could afford for me to stay home with the baby. We needed a parent that could always be present, especially in those crucial early years.
My initial thought was, “That’s not how this is supposed to go. I have a career that I’m deeply passionate about. Why should I put all that on hold?” I felt as if I was being asked to throw away all the progress I’ve made in my career to be the primary parent. I was overwhelmed with negative thoughts about this hypothetical dynamic. I imagined myself failing and not being the “perfect” parent. I worried that I didn’t have the necessary tools and emotional intelligence to take on such a task. I already had my concerns of failing as a father and this idea brought them into more frightening relief.
The reality is that all I’ve ever known—from my nuclear family and the surrounding culture—is that a man provides financially, and a wife carries the load of child-raising duties. My mother worked outside the home as well, but when it came down to childcare, that was almost entirely her department. My brain was hardwired to believe this was the only way a family dynamic should be and anything different wouldn’t work. This thought pattern was a byproduct of very old-school and outdated thinking.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that trying to maintain my career without any changes was selfish and to raise a child it takes both parents being present. My wife has her own dreams and ambitions as well. She also has a career that she’s made a lot of progress in and wants to continue to grow into. Who am I to say those goals should be tossed aside once a child is born? She’s already going through so much physically and emotionally carrying this child. I should be there for her and support her. It makes sense that I should give back and help any way I can. So I decided it was time for me to step up and be the best stay-at-home dad the world has ever seen (or something close to that)!
Chef On Standby
My career as a chef/small business owner constantly demands that I myself be involved and growing my own brand so I can be successful in my trade. I’ve made a lot of progress in honing my craft and it’s something I’m very proud of. So yes, it is difficult to be asked to put all those things on hold. I worried that all the progress I’ve made would be wasted. When would I be able to pick back up in my career? What would that look like and will I even be successful after such a long hiatus? All valid concerns, but I realized that ultimately they’re very selfish when it comes down to it.
I spent years doing the grind: working long hours and being so burnt out that I wasn’t emotionally present at home. I looked at so many of the chefs I’ve worked with in the past and the relationships they’ve had with their children. Many of them have one day out of the week where they would actually be at home and present in their child’s life. Sometimes it was just a FaceTime before the child went to bed because dad has been at work 12+ hours. This isn’t a knock to the industry as a whole at all. In the new age kitchen, we are seeing more focus on work-life balance, which is a necessary and long overdue change. But it’s still a very demanding career and the hours aren’t all that kind to a person attempting to be a present parent. I am lucky to have a partner who makes enough money so that we can afford for me to be home full time. I know not everyone is able to do this.
Ultimately, I imagine I will pick up my career again in the future. In what form? I’m not so sure. The more I think about it, the less concerned I am about those things. I’m actually excited to be the stay-at-home dad. I get to be there consistently for my child and raise them to the best of my ability. To be there for all the moments no matter how small or large, supporting my wife and starting my own family. It all came down to a moment of realization: What do I want to be more known for: creating delicious food or being the best dad I can be? And is there a way to achieve both? I’m not sure, honestly, but my priority is always going to be my child.
Cutting Against The Grain
All these changes had me reflecting on my own upbringing. I come from a very old-school, Southern Catholic traditional family. My dad was a hardworking man. He was dedicated to his job to the point that he was literally always working—even when he was at home. It didn’t help that he had a severe alcohol and drug problem when I was young. This often led to fits of anger and being emotionally disconnected. I was too young at the time to really process it and what it all meant. I only focused on the good I saw in him, because he was still the loving, caring, goofy father that I’ve always cared so much for—the main male role model I looked up to as a child.
He eventually got sober and is on a much better path in life. I am very proud of him and proud to call him my dad. Regardless of that, the bad moments have stuck with me throughout my life and my impending fatherhood has me thinking of them now more than ever. I analyze all the big and small moments and wonder if I would have turned out any different (for better or worse) if they didn’t happen. How did it all impact me? Will it affect me being a good father?
I think recognizing certain childhood traumas and doing our best to attempt to create the opposite environment is all we can do. However, there are qualities of my father I still strive to have. I want to be loving, goofy, and caring. More than anything, I want to develop the emotional intelligence that my father was lacking. I want to teach my child about how to identify emotions, process them, and deal with them in a healthy way. I want them to see a father that isn’t scared to be vulnerable. One that doesn’t have to be a macho, strong leader scared to feel something because that’s how the culture has always been. I want to be the role model they want to embrace and get to know—not someone they are terrified of upsetting or making mistakes in front of. I want to be a father that creates a safe space in our home.
I hope I do turn out to be a great father. I don’t know if there’s any real way to “measure” what that means. All I know is I want to give everything I have to my child and instill in them the morals I hold dear. My wife and I will plan as much as possible as to what the division of labor will be. I’m sure there will be challenges and growing pains along the way, but we will get through it. It’s a scary thought, but I’m also very excited to see how things turn out.
New Orleans metro area parents! Want to share your experience with ANTIGRAVITY readers? We’re always looking for a wide variety of parenting voices and circumstances to explore each month. If you’re interested, please get in touch with Erin Hall or head to our About page to fill out a contributor form.
illustrations by Victoria Allen
