Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, life transitions, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or health care professional.
The weather, dear reader. The lovely weather. I’m a walking allergy attack, but I will endure the suffering (I actually just take a Claritin) to get out and appreciate the azaleas, Louisiana irises, and magnolias. Do you have any plans to get out in this New Orleans subtropical spring? Maybe it’s a day at the park, a stroll through Lafitte Greenway, or kayaking on Bayou St. John. Did you know that Couturie Forest in City Park (a hidden gem) has eight distinct ecosystems? Or that sunlight can stimulate serotonin (the neurotransmitter that promotes feelings of well-being)? A little sunlight can also regulate cortisol (the stress hormone), which makes relaxing and managing stress a little easier. New Orleans is in bloom and the days are longer. I challenge you to take yourself out and enjoy it.
My ex and I split in October after spending almost a decade together. What felt like an amicable situation has turned sour and I feel really sad and disappointed that we are no longer speaking. I’m trying to figure out when or if it even makes sense to try to redevelop a relationship with them. How will I know when I’m ready or if I even should?
Really good question, and a really tough situation. Let’s start here: Physical and emotional separation are both essential in order to get your bearings, identify your own needs, and ultimately move on. After you end a long-term relationship, it’s reflexive to reach for your ex in times of loneliness, need, or even boredom. It’s normal to experience a longing to connect with them. You shared a life for quite some time, so it’s going to take time to get used to not being coupled. This also means you may be unfamiliar with prioritizing your own desires and needs. Since you spent so much time together, you might still be too close to the relationship to know if you’re ready to reach out or if you should. When you spend that long with someone, you often operate in a framework of “us.” Healthy relationships necessitate the consideration of the other person, so it’s not surprising you’re still considering their well-being. There’s so much pain in a breakup because of compounded loss. Not only do we grieve the loss of the relationship and the hope it once held, but also the love both given and received. The days, weeks, and months following a breakup can be disorienting because we often spend it looking for ways to fill the void. Ultimately, you must return home to yourself and feel that god-awful ache in order to move through it. By giving yourself time to process the loss of the relationship, you’ll learn new ways to self-soothe and reset when you feel the impulse to reach out. This will benefit you in multiple ways, but most importantly it will reintroduce you to yourself. Who are you and what do you need while untangling the life you shared with your former partner? The more you prioritize your own needs and practice putting yourself first, the better you’ll get at knowing which relationships deserve your energy and attention—even the one with your former partner.
Am I wrong for not wanting to look at the news? For the first time in my adult life I actively avoid the news. If I’m with friends and they start to talk about it, I get annoyed and want to change the subject. I have a lot going on in my life right now (recently lost a job and have begun caring for a sick parent) and as selfish as it sounds I don’t have energy for what’s going on outside my personal life. I know that I should be watching the train wreck, but I just can’t.
You’re absolutely not alone. I have some variation of this conversation several times a week—with clients, friends, and literally this morning with the barista at St. Coffee. People are headline exhausted, information flooded, and don’t know how to catch their breath. A little reframe: You aren’t avoiding the news, you’re limiting your information intake to protect yourself from burnout (more on that later). What you’re avoiding isn’t just the information, it’s a combination of the information and how it makes you feel. Exposure to distressing news may elicit feelings of anxiety, fear, hopelessness, and anger—all known to activate the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system protects and prepares us for stressful or dangerous situations by triggering the stress response (commonly known as fight or flight), during which the body releases adrenaline. As you might already know first-hand, adrenaline causes increased heart rate, rapid breathing, and can even increase blood pressure. Experiencing repeated episodes of fight or flight can wreak havoc on the body, often leading to burnout.
Burnout is a shorthand term used to describe the emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion brought on by prolonged or excessive stress. A few signs you’re burned out might be feelings of fatigue/exhaustion, irritation, cynicism/pessimism, or detachment and loss of motivation. So the urge to change the subject when your friends talk about the news, or the desire to avoid the news altogether, might be indicators that you are (surprise, surprise!) experiencing burnout. Upside: It sounds like the avoidance is actually protective given your current situation. Caring for a sick parent or losing a job would be enough to bring most of us to burnout without the added pressure of a sadistic news cycle.
We’re all in this together, managing the tensions of our daily lives with ongoing looming threats to our communities and the infrastructure that holds them together. No one wants to read the news in this dystopian nightmare. So, what do we do about it? One way to manage your news intake might be to pay attention to how, when, and where your news consumption is happening. With the help of social media, most of us ingest the news without even realizing it. Are you tense when reading the news? Experiencing elevated heart rate? Or maybe you have spiraling thoughts or begin to imagine a worst-case scenario? These are all signs to step away. Change the channel, leave the app, close the browser. And for the love of all that is good: Turn off those news notifications! Seek out the news at a dedicated time of the day (or week) with the sources you trust and a plan for some decompression afterward. Think of the long-term goal as learning to “microdose” the news. You don’t have to read or know everything. In fact, you can’t. And even if you could, there’s not much you can do about it at the moment. A lot of people feel more isolated and helpless after reading the news, so take some power back by determining how, when, and where you engage.
And remember: There’s no right or wrong way to do this. I was struck by the word “should” in your query because that word creates a binary (black or white, wrong or right) way of thinking. It also sets an expectation without defining it or making a plan to achieve it—ultimately leading to feelings of failure and self-doubt. “Should” statements ignore the complexity of the reality we’re experiencing and completely discredit the progress we are making. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself, utilize the support of people around you, and prioritize joy.
If you need to speak to someone right away, call 504-269-COPE (2673). The COPE crisis line provides free, confidential crisis counseling, suicide prevention and information, and mental health referral services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
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illustrations by Romey Petite
