Knock knock! Who’s there? Dead turkey and lies. Dead turkey and lies who? HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Well, well, well, are you planning a family feast fit for some thieving pilgrims? Or perhaps you are going to have a drunken Friendsgiving? Either way, you’ll certainly want to have your home in tip-top shape to host your peeps! This November, I’m doing you a solid and sharing my cleaning and freshening potion recipes with you, to aid in your pre- and post-party disinfection, beautification, and aromatization! Lil Izzy’s favorite concoctions for all your cleaning adventures await you below!
Lil Izzy’s Wham Bam Thank You San!
So you prepped a raw, dead turkey on your counter for cookin’ and now a veritable microbiome of filth is percolating? Lil Izzy’s Wham Bam Thank You San sanitizer spray has got you! Grab a spray bottle and fill it with 1/3 70% isopropyl alcohol and 2/3 white vinegar. Dribble 20 drops of 100% pure lemon essential oil into the mixture (lemon essential oil has been shown to kill food-born pathogens). I suggest sopping-up the turkey juice with a rag—and don’t wipe any other part of the counter with it. There will be no cross-contamination on my watch! After using the rag, rinse it with warm water, then soak it in white vinegar. Now thoroughly spray the area with Lil Izzy’s Wham Bam Thank You San, and let it sit for 10 minutes, then wipe up the spray. Give ‘er one more spray and wipe and you’re nice and tight! P.S. Don’t use this magical liquid on marble. Vinegar will etch the delicate stone. On marble, I suggest squirting a dollop of Dawn (best dish detergent for my money—it’s used to bathe birds impacted by oil spills, for Christ’s sake) into a spray bottle, filling it with water, then let ’er rip!
Lil Izzy’s Touch Of Glass!
Got pesky handprints on glass surfaces in your home? Have no fear, Lil Izzy’s Touch of Glass cleaner is here! It galls me when people touch glass doors instead of using the genius inventions which are meant for opening them: handles, knobs, or a push bar. Fill a bottle with half white vinegar (my forever partner in grime) and half H2O. Add three or four drops of lemon essential oil. Don’t go buck with the oil. Too much essential oil will leave streaks on glass surfaces. Shake, spray, and wipe.
Lil Izzy’s Nose Gift!
Is your house stanky? I gotchu. Fill a hair-misting spray bottle 3/4 of the way with distilled water (I prefer misting bottles, because they produce an ultra-foine fog that hangs in the air longer than the spray from a traditional spray bottle). Fill the rest of the bottle with isopropyl alcohol, and add a tablespoon of baking soda. Squirt about 30 drops of your favorite essential oil into the bottle. Shake, spritz, and smell!
Lil Izzy’s Handy Dandy Hand Sani!
Did you just accidentally touch your dog’s poo and aren’t near a sink? I suggest making some of my fragrant hand sanitizer to have for situations such as this. I seriously always have a bottle in my bag (or close at hand—zing!) and use it often. Pour a tablespoon of aloe vera juice into a 2 oz spray bottle (this will keep your hands baby soft), fill the rest of the bottle with 70% isopropyl alcohol. Add 15 drops of rose essential oil and 15 drops of lemon essential oil. Shake the bottle, and spray your hands. Rub your hands together in order to get the liquid into all of your lines and folds. The first whiff will be a little overwhelmingly alcohol-y, but give it a sec because the scent is about to blow your damn mind.
Lil Izzy’s Rug Stank Remover!
Remember how you walk all over your rugs every day with your dirty-ass feet and sometimes shoes (with shoes, if you like bringing lead dust and New Orleans foul street residue onto your floors), and how your dog’s paws carry cornchip-smell onto your rug, and how your cat’s butthole touches your rug every time it sits on it? Well, this is why your rug (and perhaps even your house) smells like the funk of 40,000 years. It’s OK, I forgive you, and I’m here to help. Grab some baking soda (a must have for all homes), a bowl, that old, cleaned parmesan cheese container that has the sprinkle holes in the top, or a sieve (if you are a fancy baker and have one). Add a cup of baking soda to the bowl, squirt about forty drops of your favorite essential oil, and whisk or stir the oil and powder together vigorously. Cover the bowl, and let it sit overnight. In the morning, give the concoction one more vigorous stir, then add it to the shaker bottle, and shake it all over your rug. Don’t be stingy, really coat the rug. Grab a broom and sweep the powder deeper into the rug pile. Let the powder sit for an hour or two, then vacuum the rug. Put your nose next to the rug and enjoy the sweet, sweet smell of odor-banishing victory!
Got cleaning questions? Email isabel@antigravitymagazine.com
illustrations by Ben Claassen III
