Before I commence another bitter holiday-inspired rant, I’d just like to pass mention that I am NOT the AG “holiday writer.” It just so happens that I was granted a column preceding three months of big holidays, so that’s what is at the forefront of my subconscious. Since January is fortunately devoid of any major American holidays, I’ll be able to focus my skewed social commentary toward something else next month. But it is that time of year again and it’s barreling towards us like the Polar Express derailed. I actually love Christmas! I love the colored lights, A Charlie Brown Christmas, treats baking in the oven, traditional Christmas carols and classical holiday music (and I’m not just talking about Fear’s “Fuck Christmas” or the Ramones’ “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”. There are so many reasons to be all a-glow from the season of giving.
But if you’re looking for something slightly less warm and fuzzy, something a little darker in this season of giving, check out the pagan origins of Christmas and Santa Claus. One major event which comes to mind is Saturnalia, the Roman festival in honor of the god Saturn. Saturnalia was originally celebrated on December 17th and gave way to much drinking, debauchery, fornication, gift giving, door-to-door singing (often done in the nude), human sacrifice, gambling and good old-fashioned public lawlessness. Even the slaves were allowed to refrain from work and were permitted to gamble. The Romans would designate someone as “Lord of Misrule” during the annual festival to represent Saturn. The Lord of Misrule could decree or demand anything and the public would be forced to comply. However, every year Saturnalia’s conclusion would also prove to be the end of the Lord of Misrule, who would then be sacrificed to further appease Saturn. Well, you can’t tease the public with just one day of something like that, so the festivities developed into a weeklong affair. The event would wrap up in time for the Winter Solstice, the celebration of the new year and the Sol Invictus.
When Christians took over the Roman Empire, it is believed that some of the rites of Saturnalia and Christmas may have merged. Certainly, gift-giving and caroling come to mind. However, the Romans would also eat biscuits shaped like humans and many people postulate that is where the idea for the gingerbread man came into being.
One of the main elements of Christmas is also one of the most fascinating to scrutinize: Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is actually a variation on St. Nicholas, patron saint of children and sailors. He was often accompanied throughout history by Krampus (see E Willy P’s column on the preceding page), Zwarte Piet or a bunch of elves, depending on what part of the planet you come from. We now recognize him as a cherry-cheeked fat man with a white flowing beard and a red fur-trimmed robe, ferried around the planet in a sleigh drawn by flying reindeer. However, this was not always the case. He’s been depicted throughout history as being closer to an Odin-like figure, vengeful in nature toward naughty children and riding a gray, eight-legged horse god, to an analogy for Satan due to the anagram of his name. It’s thanks to artist Thomas Nast that we began to see Santa Claus as we recognize him now, carried one step further and popularized by Coca-Cola in their holiday artwork. It is to the credit of these two parties that we now see the traditional figure we grew up with.
So there’s no need to carry the bitterness of knowing that your parents lied to you as a child. They’ve been perpetuating the lie for centuries now and it’s truly a global phenomenon. Were you the first or last at your school to know that Santa isn’t real? Did it make you even more upset when you thought about that gift you just absolutely had to have (and obsessed over for weeks), only to be faced with heartbreak under the tree that fateful morning? Once you unraveled the lie of Santa, you had to deal with the ugly truth that it was your own parents, the same people you shared your passionate hopes with, who denied you that one object of your desire on Christmas.
With that weighing heavily on the psyche for years, mingled with holiday stress and depression, it’s no wonder there are so many delightfully psychotic Christmas horror movies to choose from. It’s the most wonderful freakin’ time of the year. Drink the eggnog, throw a yule log or fruitcake through someone’s window, order your Slayer Christmas sweater and gear up for Black Christmas (1974), Silent Night, Deadly Night, Santa’s Slay (featuring WWE’s Bill Goldberg), Tales from the Crypt’s “And All Through the House,” Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Jack Frost (preferably 2) or even Gremlins.
