Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or health care professional.
The post-holiday slump is real, y’all. Sure, New Orleanians are afforded the buffer of rolling into Carnival season, and for all the joy it gives, it doesn’t take away the shorter, darker, colder days. If you find yourself emotionally spent and low on energy, you’re not alone. For some, January offers an optimistic “new year, new me” energy that often comes with an undercurrent of toxic positivity and social pressure to make sweeping life changes at the start of the “new” year. While resolutions can boost motivation and provide opportunities for growth, I want to remind us all that expectations rooted in overhauling your life overnight aren’t sustainable. New year, start small. Try adding manageable and consistent actions rather than subtracting or cutting things out before you feel ready and supported. How you begin again matters much less than simply allowing yourself to begin again.
I have really hermit-ed myself emotionally from people and I no longer feel curious. I assume I know what people are thinking and their individual motivations, without asking them. I’m stuck in my head. I feel more passive aggressive, whereas I feel that at one point in time I was on the passive or aggressive spectrum, never stuck in the middle. How do I get back to my old self? I probably hurt feelings sometimes, but people knew where I stood and my relationships felt stronger.
A few things stand out to me in your query.
A note on “Hermiting.”
People withdraw for a lot of reasons, but boredom isn’t typically one of them. Social withdrawal is usually anchored to feelings of stress, disappointment, burnout, or hurt. Sometimes when you’re in pain, isolation feels like the safest option. In fact, the “I already know what they think” mindset is in itself a protective reflex. If you feel like you can predict people’s behavior, you don’t have to risk conflict or vulnerability. However, it also means you don’t get to experience being surprised by someone’s unexpected warmth, nuance, or depth.
Emotional exhaustion is a curiosity killer.
Curiosity originates in the brain’s reward system and is powered by dopamine. Dopamine is the sensitive brain chemical responsible for motivation, pleasure, focus, and mood. Lack of sleep, chronic stress, and even (look, I know) poor diet can activate a dopamine shortage and contribute to feeling sad, shut down, and lacking motivation.
Passive-aggression is usually rooted in fear.
In my experience, passive-aggressiveness usually shows up when someone hasn’t felt safe expressing themselves directly for a while. Think of it as the personality’s way of trying to avoid discomfort and feelings of hurt by not fully showing up and communicating directly—a dormant volcano emitting emotional steam and ash.
Quick reframe: You’re not “becoming a worse person.” You’re coping in a way that makes sense right now. But you know what? You were introspective and vulnerable enough to reach out to begin processing what’s going on. If your current method of coping isn’t working and feels distant from who you want to be, there are options for changing it up. Here are a few steps you can take toward reclaiming your peace of mind.
Microdose curiosity.
Taking an interest in something small, like asking one genuine question in a conversation, might be a good place to start. And if you find yourself making assumptions, try to identify one assumption you’re making and ask yourself, “What if I’m wrong?”
You can be direct and safe.
Sometimes when we’ve been hurt, we isolate and build up protective coping mechanisms that keep other people out. If you find yourself making an assumption about someone, try talking it out in the moment. A good starting point might sound something like, “I’m realizing I might be making assumptions—can I check something with you?” That’s honesty without combativeness. It opens the conversation for clarity without emotional aggression.
Check your inner narrator.
We could all benefit from this one. Human beings are fascinating creatures who walk around constantly telling ourselves stories. Sadly, a lot of those stories are bullshit narratives rooted in fear, anxiety, and a desperate desire for control. So when you say you’re “stuck in your head,” what I hear is that your inner monologue might be stuck on a loop. Time for some new stories. One way to get out of your head is to get back into your body—long walks, meditation, and yoga are known to be good for this. The thought echo chamber can be difficult to escape, so sometimes the best option is just to acknowledge the thoughts you’re having. Getting the inside thoughts out can be incredibly validating and often provides immediate relief: journaling, voice memos, list-making, etc. Think of it as talking yourself through the thoughts. The more you do it, the more you’ll begin to differentiate between fear, habit, and truth.
Allow people to surprise you.
Connection is all about exchange. By inviting small human exchanges back into your life, you’re allowing the possibility that someone may show you something you didn’t predict. And yeah, call me optimistic, but it might be something wonderful.
Give yourself some credit.
The person who wrote this letter is self-aware, brave, and just looking for a little realignment. You don’t need to “go back” to your old self. You can just bring the parts you valued, or that you missed—like directness, curiosity, and confidence—forward into who you are now, with all the extra insight you didn’t have then. You’re not lost. You’re in the early chapters of returning.
illustrations by Romey Petite
If you need to speak to someone right away, call 504-269-COPE (2673). The COPE crisis line provides free, confidential crisis counseling, suicide prevention and information, and mental health referral services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
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