Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or healthcare professional.
There’s a big difference between wanting someone to visit and realizing that it means having another human being in your space for seven days. It sounds nice in theory… until you remember that you will also have to live there. With milder temperatures and travel season approaching, it feels like a good time to talk about the complicated etiquette dance of hosting. This month’s writer set us up to get right to it.
My sister wants to come visit for a week, and here’s the annoying part: I’m the one who invited and encouraged her to come! I love her, and I’m genuinely excited to have my first real houseguest. I even have a spare bedroom and bathroom, so it’s not like we’d be on top of each other. But she wants to bring her new partner, whom I’ve never met. If it were just her, I’d be totally happy with a week. With the partner, I’m suddenly thinking, a whole week?
I don’t know what this person is like or what kind of energy they’ll bring into my home. Maybe they’ll be lovely. Maybe by day four I’ll be hiding in my bedroom pretending to be asleep. Am I being a bad host for wanting to limit the visit, or is a week actually a long time to host two people—one of whom I barely know? And can I walk back my enthusiastic invitation without being an asshole?
So your newfound enthusiasm for hosting has a limit. That doesn’t make you an asshole. On the contrary, that insight shows you’re on your way to becoming a considerate host.
A week is a long visit. Even with a guest bathroom, which makes you a great candidate for having people stay with you, it doesn’t mean you have to turn your home into a bed and breakfast for anyone who wants to visit. And yes, her partner plays a big role in the terms of your offer. Not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because you don’t know them. Hosting someone you know and love is very different from hosting someone you love plus their new romantic wildcard.
Important to remember: You’re not just giving up physical space, you’re giving up psychological space, too. Hosting can be draining. In addition to feeling like you have to be “on” in what used to be your personal sanctuary, there is also a lot of logistical, social, and emotional labor involved. You may wind up loving them. You may also find yourself in your bedroom eating crackers at 10 p.m. just because you need five minutes in your own space without another person. Both are possible.
The bigger issue is that you seem to worry that your original invitation means you’ve lost the right to have preferences about how the visit actually happens. You haven’t. Setting that boundary might look something like, “I’m really excited for you to come. I think a week might be a little ambitious for my first hosting experience, though. Would you be open to doing three or four nights?”
That’s not a rejection, it’s information. Good hosting is less about being endlessly accommodating and more about setting everyone up to have a good time—including yourself.
With travel and visiting season approaching, this seems like a good time to talk about a few things that can make hosting feel less like a performance and more like having people you love around.
Set The Terms Early
Agree on exact dates, including a departure date. “Come visit me in New Orleans” has a way of becoming “So we’re thinking the first two weeks in October?” before anyone has actually agreed to that. Putting firm dates on the calendar allows your guests a chance to plan how to make the most out of their trip—and it gives you the peace of mind of knowing when you’ll get your space back.
It’s also OK to tell your guests what your availability will look like. If you have to work, have appointments, plans with friends, or simply need an evening to yourself, say so. You’re still allowed to have a life while people are visiting.
Hospitality Isn’t Constant Availability
Your home is still your home—even if you have guests. You don’t need to entertain them every second of their trip or apologize for taking time for yourself. Time apart gives you time to reset, which means you’ll probably have more bandwidth when you’re actually together. If you have your own room, closing the door isn’t rude. It’s a door, feel free to use it. It may mean “I’m sleeping” or “I’m lying here doing absolutely nothing and would like to continue.” Both are legitimate.
This is especially important with longer visits, but build some time for yourself into the trip. Your guests can explore, go for a walk, or entertain themselves. If you have the time before they arrive, it’s never a bad idea to send an email with links to some of your favorite spots, especially places they can get to easily on their own.
Be Clear About The Practical Stuff
Let them know where they can find towels, whether or not they can help themselves to food, what time you generally go to bed, whether there are pets or house rules they should know about, and whether you’ll be working during their stay.
If someone is bringing a partner you haven’t met, it’s reasonable to establish some of that ahead of time rather than organically discovering their habits over the course of seven days. You don’t need a 40-page contract, but a simple, “Just so you know, I work from home until 5 and usually have quiet evenings” can simplify a lot of guesswork.
The most important thing to remember: Being a good host doesn’t mean you’re willing to tolerate anything. It means you know what you can comfortably offer and are able to communicate it clearly. You don’t have to wait until you’re hiding in your bedroom to decide you’ve had enough company.
If you need to speak to someone right away, call 504-269-COPE (2673). The COPE crisis line provides free, confidential crisis counseling, suicide prevention and information, and mental health referral services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Submit your questions to goodcounsel@antigravitymagazine.com (email and sender info will remain confidential), or use our anonymous Google form
illustrations by Romey Petite
