Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or healthcare professional.
October is here and festival-wise, New Orleans is just showing off. We’ve got the New Orleans Film Fest, NOLA Funk Fest, Praise Fest, Crescent City Chamber Music Fest, Fried Chicken Fest (and 5k), and Oktoberfest. Leave your air-conditioned indoor life behind and go explore a new neighborhood or environment. It’s scientifically proven to increase happiness. And as the decorated houses on my block have been reminding me every day since the second week of September: Halloween is coming. As such, I figured it was time to revive an inquiry I’ve been keeping in the crypt.
I have an X-Files “I Want to Believe” sticker on my locker at work. I like the show, but I don’t believe in ghosts. I’m big on science and actual evidence. My coworkers believe in all that stuff and the sticker has made me the workplace skeptic. They are constantly telling me stories about ghosts, haunted houses, seeing dead relatives, etc. I used to laugh about it, but lately I’ve been correcting them. One coworker told me about seeing a figure in her hallway and I gave her an explanation about sleep hallucinations. My girlfriend says I could just say, “That sounds scary.” I complained to her about my coworkers, expecting her to be on my side. Instead she told me I was “yucking other people’s yum.” Then I found out she might believe in ghosts. She’s smart and pretty rational. She just thinks there are things science hasn’t explained yet and has had a couple experiences she can’t explain. I love her, but part of me is thinking, “Really? You believe in ghosts?” I know it sounds judgmental. But where’s the line between believing in evidence and being an asshole? Do I need to let people have their ghost stories, or am I allowed to think some things are just ridiculous?
I’ve got two pieces of bad news for you: First, you accidentally put a little supernatural bat-signal on your locker; and second, your girlfriend might be right. Not about the ghosts—I have no idea if ghosts are real and neither do you. That’s the point.
Your commitment to evidence isn’t the problem. That’s actually a good thing. We need people who are able to ask questions like, how do we know that? The problem is what happens when we manage the discomfort of uncertainty with rationale. In my business, we call that intellectualization: taking something you find emotionally uncomfortable and turning it into an intellectual problem you can solve.
For example, your coworkers tell you they saw a ghost and instead of saying, “That’s creepy,” you explain hypnagogic hallucinations. You get to be right, and perhaps most importantly, you get to feel back in control.
So this isn’t entirely about ghosts.
It’s interesting that you seem genuinely bothered by the fact that people you consider intelligent also believe in things you consider irrational. And it sounds like now your girlfriend is one of those people. That might be why this feels bigger than it should. It’s not just, she believes in ghosts. It’s, what does this say about her? What does it say about us? How could someone I respect believe in something so absurd?
Here’s where we get to the real issue: separating discernment from contempt.
You can have standards for what you believe. You can even hear someone voice a belief that is unsupported by evidence and privately think, that is really fucking dumb. Allowing that judgment to become a judgment about the person is when things get corrosive.
When we look at someone through the lens of contempt, we stop being curious about them. We stop thinking, why does this make sense to you? And start thinking, how can you possibly be this stupid? In the case of your relationship, this is a much bigger issue than whether or not ghosts exist.
Your girlfriend’s “yucking other people’s yum” comment is worth re-examining. She’s not asking you to believe in ghosts. If I understand it correctly, she’s asking whether or not you can coexist with people whose reality doesn’t exactly match with yours without immediately feeling a need to correct them. Empathy hack: You can think someone’s belief is ridiculous without treating the person as ridiculous.
While challenging, having a tolerance for ambiguity is a massively underrated life skill. Not everything needs to be resolved. Sometimes the answer might simply be, I don’t believe that. You do, and neither of us needs to win.
As it applies to your girlfriend, I’m not advising you to talk yourself into compatibility. If her beliefs genuinely conflict with your values, that’s worth taking seriously. But before you decide you’ve lost respect for her, I’d like you to ask yourself whether you’ve discovered anything actually troubling about her, or whether you’ve just discovered that you have a harder time respecting people when you can’t respect their line of reasoning. Those are two very different things.
I’m not asking you to believe in ghosts. I’m suggesting that you might want to try and get comfortable with the fact that some of the people you care about are going to believe some things you think are absurd. And if you can learn to let them be wrong without needing to rescue them from their wrongness, I’ll bet you’ll find your life is going to get a lot quieter. Maybe even more peaceful.
Your co-workers, however, are likely to remain haunted.
If you need to speak to someone right away, call 504-269-COPE (2673). The COPE crisis line provides free, confidential crisis counseling, suicide prevention and information, and mental health referral services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
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illustrations by Romey Petite
