Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, life transitions, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or health care professional.
Greetings from my dining room table, where I’m surrounded by a hopeful roll of gold mesh fabric, stray pom-poms, and my injurious but indispensable hot glue gun. Real talk: Carnival costumery can be self-care. In fact, making time to identify what brings you joy and creating a space to experience that joy is a radical act in these times. Look for the good stuff in your life, even in small spaces. Wear that thing you’ve been saving. Call up a friend and make a plan to get out and revel in the exuberance and absurdity of everything our beautiful city offers this time of year.
Before we dive in, I want to thank you for your submissions and for your trust. I’m grateful to hold a safe and confidential space where we, together, can give language to vulnerable and difficult things. So, let’s get to it.
I’ve been dating a man for a couple months. We’re monogamous and making future plans. The relationship has felt so easy and fun, but we’ve hit our first bump in the road. Recently he sent me a video of him masturbating in the shower—which I loved. I saved it to my phone and realized that the date/time that it was filmed was prior to our relationship. I asked him and he clarified that while it was not done specifically for me, it was not done for anyone else. He explained that it was an activity that he enjoyed doing. I asked him to only send me new videos in the future, since part of what I found hot about it was that he was doing it thinking of me. He agreed and about a week later sent me a new video. I saved it to my phone and found, again, that the time stamp was prior to our relationship. I reminded him I only wanted new videos and asked, jokingly, if he had a vault of a million videos of him masturbating. He replied with a link to a porn site that contained 30+ videos of him masturbating, the majority of which showed his face. None of the videos involved partners.
I told him that it was making me feel a certain way but that I wasn’t ready to talk to him about it. I shared that I wasn’t sure if the way I was feeling had to do with puritanical conditioning. I also let him know that my fear of talking it through with him was that I didn’t want to shame him while I sorted through how I feel about it. I asked him to put a pause on posting new content so I could work through how this made me feel. He agreed and said that he would be open to talking to me about it. Do you have any advice for sorting through this and figuring out if this is a relationship I should continue with?
Isn’t it nice to date someone with their own hobbies? But seriously, I applaud you for taking a beat to reflect on what’s bothering you about the situation before reacting. Being mindful enough to acknowledge and admit you’re not sure how to proceed is some top-notch emotional maturity. It can protect you from saying things that might be impulsive or unintentional because you’re responding from the emotion, not to it.
I can’t say if you should continue the relationship, but I can say that reflecting on what makes you uncomfortable about the videos is going to be an excellent opportunity to explore some of your own views about sex. Try to identify what it is about the situation and the videos that make you feel discomfort. A few good reflective questions might be: What about his behavior worries me? What are some words that describe how I felt when I saw the videos? What am I afraid might happen if I stay with him and he’s unwilling to stop making videos? If you can identify some of your fears, then you can discuss those specific issues with your partner and they may be able to provide reassurance. Or they may not. Conversations about sex can be particularly challenging. Concealed shame, dusty old stigmas, and the simple challenge of finding the right words can really get in the way. Each of us has a distinct personal relationship with sex and sometimes talking about it can trigger memories or even cause one to revisit experiences that may be unpleasant.
But here’s the thing: If you can’t talk about sex to the person you’re having sex with, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex with them. Talking about physical intimacy with your partner is an excellent, and perhaps even necessary opportunity to build on what’s working, and explore what isn’t. In addition to discussing your concerns, talking about what turns you on about the videos may give him an opportunity to share why he enjoys making them. If there’s overlap, you might be able to incorporate some of that into the relationship. For example, you might be able to come up with some content for him to create just for you. Alternatively, if the behavior makes you uncomfortable and you’re finding resolution difficult, it’s absolutely OK, and again perhaps necessary, to move on. Remember: Enthusiastic consent requires genuine excitement and willingness. If your wants don’t align, that’s OK. It isn’t bad or good—just a difference of desire. Trust yourself on this one. What often starts as a small concession can lead to resentment, distrust, and feelings of obligation down the road. Focus on what feels right for you.
How do you handle a friend who is always on their phone when you hang out? Like you’ll be in the middle of a conversation and they’ll check a text, or worse, start scrolling Instagram right in front of you. I’ve tried to model good behavior by keeping my phone in my bag, or I do passive aggressive moves like stop talking when they check their phone to see if they even notice. I know you’re going to say have a direct conversation, but I don’t know how! What would you even say?
Disappointing fact: Technology is moving too fast for etiquette. We’ve all experienced what you’re describing. An upward facing phone on a dining table is like talking to someone at a party who’s constantly looking over your shoulder—rude. When an unwelcome phone enters the chat, it can get boring fast. It’s like hanging out with a good friend and their high school buddy while they rehash inside jokes and relive old memories, seeming to forget there’s another person present. Your friend’s phone use is interfering with the connection you desire to have with them. While we don’t talk about technology in these terms very often, it’s hurtful and exclusionary. And your trepidation about confronting them is real. People tend to get pretty defensive about their phone use—especially if it’s someone who experiences anxiety when not connected or engaged with their phone. A good way to navigate this conversation is to focus on the positive and relevant: You value the person and the time you spend together. You make time for each other so that you can connect, so expressing that their phone is getting in the way is not only important, it’s a good opportunity to move the friendship forward. Addressing it sooner rather than later might prevent you from moving from passive to spirited aggression.
If you need to speak to someone right away, call 504-269-COPE (2673). The COPE crisis line provides free, confidential crisis counseling, suicide prevention and information, and mental health referral services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
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illustrations by Romey Petite
