Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, life transitions, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or health care professional.
Over the past few months, I’ve gotten a few inquiries about polyamory and ethical non-monagamy (ENM). Thus far, I’ve strayed from answering those because I find myself focusing less on the particular issue itself, and instead filling my word count with information about what ENM is and isn’t. This month, I decided it could be meaningful to do both: break down some information while also answering a couple of your questions.
We’re all generally familiar with the parameters of monogamy, as we live in a society that often centers heterosexual, long-term, monogamous relationships as the standard. I could pen a column on that topic alone, but we’re here to talk about ENM. There’s a lot of misinformation and a good deal of misunderstanding about what exactly ENM is and how it works, so my aim here is to clarify some of that.
The questions I’ve received from my readers are, not surprisingly, among the most common questions I get in my practice: Does polyamory/ethical non-monogamy really work? Am I too jealous for ethical non-monogamy? Is ethical non-monogamy just a way for my partner to say, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore?”
We’ll get to those, but first, a little terminology and context. ENM is an umbrella term that includes relationships where people have more than one romantic or sexual partner with the knowledge and consent of all involved. Polyamory is a specific form of ENM where individuals engage in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with everyone’s consent. In short, all polyamorous relationships are ENM, but not all ENM relationships are polyamorous.
While consent and ENM are intrinsically linked, I want to emphasize that consent is crucial regardless of your relationship structure. The acronym FRIES provides good reference for what solid consent entails:
Freely Given. This means you give consent without pressure, force, coercion, manipulation, or due to the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
Reversible. Consent is ongoing. You can change your mind at any time. Even after you’ve said yes.
Informed. The full story and necessary details are required for all parties to understand the nature of what they’re consenting to.
Enthusiastic. Consenting should feel good. You shouldn’t feel obligated or pressured, but rather, genuinely excited and willing.
Specific. When you consent, you agree to a certain action or activity. It doesn’t automatically apply to other actions or activities.
Many people are ENM curious, now that we’re hearing the term more often as societal norms evolve. Monogamy, like ENM, isn’t for everyone. Happily monogamous readers may find themselves wondering, “Why would anyone want to do this?” A few reasons I’ve encountered in my practice are to explore sexuality, to meet diverse relationship needs, and to experience greater emotional and sexual freedom. A common struggle for those in monogamous relationships is the desire or expectation that one person will be able to meet all of your needs. It’s impossible, and a recipe for disappointment. While ENM doesn’t exactly fix that, it can be a tool for accessing a deeper understanding of your needs and where you might need to turn to have them met.
The most common question I get: Does ethical non-monogamy really work?
Yes. It works really well for a lot of people—but in order for it to work, it requires ongoing and honest communication and, as previously emphasized, the informed consent of everyone involved. In ENM, this means that everyone involved is aware of and agrees to a non-monogamous structure and is aware of the partners involved. Transparency and informed consent are what make ethical non-monogamy, well, ethical and not just infidelity. In my experience with clients in ENM relationships, much of the success can be attributed to necessary, ongoing, and vulnerable conversations. I’ve counseled couples who sought out therapy to practice ENM whose relationships improved and who experienced individual growth because they were finally having deeper conversations about desire, sex, and emotions. Of course, this isn’t always the case.
Which leads to another common question: Am I too jealous for ethical non-monogamy?
Fear of jealousy is the first barrier many people encounter when they start to explore the idea of ENM. Many clients believe themselves “too jealous” to be in a non-monogamous dynamic. That might be the case, but it doesn’t matter whether you’re in a monogamous or ENM relationship—jealousy is normal. Unlike many monogamous relationships, in ENM jealousy is seen as an opportunity. Feeling jealous doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Instead, it can be a signal that there are feelings and dynamics that need to be worked through and better understood. Discussions about jealousy often lead to a deeper understanding of needs and fears, which can help partners identify triggers, prioritize self-care, and intensify their connection. This is true for any relationship—platonic or romantic, monogamous or not. Being honest about your fears is the best way to face them.
One exercise I recommend for my clients who are experiencing jealousy is to reflect on what it is they want versus what they think is possible in the situation. This is a good way to begin to highlight what it is that you desire and also what beliefs you may have about what you deserve or what’s possible. It’s a good way to tease out the reactive emotions and focus on addressing getting your actual needs met.
Which brings us to the very popular: Is ethical non-monogamy just a way for my partner to say, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore?”
I’ve definitely seen this happen. If your physical desire for your partner starts to wane, it can be a painful and difficult conversation to have. It’s no wonder people want to avoid it. An important thing to remember is that experiencing attraction to others is OK. It’s completely human. Feeling attraction toward someone else doesn’t negate the romantic or sexual attraction you feel toward your partner.
Monogamy works for many people, and it can be incredibly rewarding to be with one person exclusively—as long as the decision is consensual for both partners. If you or your partner are curious about exploring ENM, it’s critical that you’re upfront and honest about your reasons. It can be helpful to approach the conversation from a place of curiosity rather than judgement, remaining open to hear each other out and learn more about your needs and desires. Just remember: FRIES!
There have been some excellent books written about various facets of consensual non-monogamy. If you’re ENM curious, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern is a great place to start. There’s also an accompanying workbook, The Polysecure Workbook: Healing Your Attachment and Creating Security in Loving Relationships, that’s full of tools for gaining a deeper sense of self while exploring how to heal past trauma.
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