Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, life transitions, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or health care professional.
My relationship is becoming too much. We both have full-time jobs, two dogs, no kids. When we moved in together five years ago, it felt like we shared responsibilities. Now it’s turned into the expectation that I’ll plan the meals, cook, and clean. Not to mention that I manage the social calendar and all the financial planning. I feel like if I don’t think about it, or do it, it won’t get done. When I bring it up, which I have many times, he gets testy and says he tries to help but that I take over and that I like things a certain way. He also says I’m more organized than he is, or that I’m better at taking care of things than he is. I know this is true, but it feels unfair. I’m getting increasingly resentful and I don’t know how to manage it.
Good news: You don’t have to “manage it.” In fact, I want you to move away from “managing” anything right now and focus instead on the legitimacy of your resentment and the strain you feel in the relationship. Your feelings are legitimate and your experience is, unfortunately, incredibly common. The situation you describe mirrors many of the challenges I see in couples therapy. I vividly recall one client telling her partner in a session, “Just because I remember something needs to be done doesn’t mean I should be responsible for doing it.” The inequity you, like my client, are describing is called Invisible Labor. And it’s talked about far too infrequently.
Invisible labor, sometimes referred to as “cognitive labor,” is exactly what it sounds like—the unseen, unacknowledged, and uncompensated work that makes a household (or family or workplace, etc.) run smoothly. Managing household chores, providing emotional care, and overseeing administrative work—like planning and organization—are all examples of invisible labor. Think: remembering dates and deadlines, scheduling appointments, managing household supplies, de-escalating conflicts, anticipating needs, and, as you mentioned, managing the social calendar.
So, why does invisible labor happen? Traditional gender roles, cultural expectations, and a lack of understanding/awareness of the mental and emotional work that goes into managing a household (or workplace) are among the biggest factors. Who experiences invisible labor? Research on the topic is sadly quite limited, but many studies suggest invisible labor disproportionately affects women and minorities.
In a household setting, the imbalance of cognitive labor can lead to chronic stress, burnout, decision fatigue, relationship tension, and can affect your mental health—especially when considering the additional physical demands of visible labor, like cooking and cleaning. The relationship resentment is real. It’s not sexy, fun, or sustainable to feel like a project manager—not a partner. So, what can be done to disrupt the dynamic? In short, making the invisible, well, visible.
A good first step is open communication about the tasks and how they are affecting you. You’re absolutely entitled, and hopefully encouraged, to express your feelings. It’s important to let your partner know that you’re struggling. An honest conversation about how you’re feeling could be a way to deepen your relationship and an opportunity to engage them in ways they can help by sharing the workload.
If the thought of this conversation with your partner feels overwhelming or intimidating, especially given the fact that you mention he often seems to dismiss your concerns, you may want to first organize a list of tasks you feel responsible for (big and small). While it may seem silly, or even a little petty, to write out a list of everything you’re doing, it can be validating to see the amount of work you’re taking on and for others to become aware of how much you’re actually doing. It can also be a good way to navigate to a place where you feel comfortable discussing how the work can be delegated.
There are several tools I recommend for sharing domestic responsibilities. A good idea for any shared household is a visible and accessible calendar. Whether it’s the analog version on the side of the fridge or a shared Google calendar (or both), having a common visual on upcoming dates can help everyone stay aware of schedules, anticipate needs, and plan accordingly. One advantage of a digital calendar is the option for notes, which can help immensely with managing social events—like adding that an upcoming medical appointment will require transportation or a reminder that your sister prefers a phone call to a text on her birthday.
Another good idea is a visible household list. I recommend starting with two columns: “Get” and “Do.” “Get” is a running list of household items that need replacing: toilet paper, dish soap, etc. “Do” is reserved for observed tasks that need to be completed: wiping down the microwave, making a vet appointment, mopping the kitchen floor, etc. This is also a good way to share tasks by signing up for them in advance. Delegation can be tricky, especially if you’re met with the all-too-familiar, “Just tell me what to do.” Suddenly managing someone’s job is another part of the job. If you loathe mopping, signing up to schedule appointments may be less daunting.
Once you’ve let go of a task, try to really let it go. At first it may feel unfamiliar—especially if you’re in the routine of responsibility. Waiting for everything to be done before you take a break means you’re probably not gonna get that break. Sometimes stepping back allows someone else to step up. And stepping back isn’t a fault or abandonment of duty—quite the opposite. Stepping back allows you to focus on yourself, to prioritize your health and rest. Rest isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity.
If you need to speak to someone right away, call 504-269-COPE (2673). The COPE crisis line provides free, confidential crisis counseling, suicide prevention and information, and mental health referral services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
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