Danielle Nelson is a practicing therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) who focuses on sexual health and wellness, trauma and recovery, self-esteem and resilience building, life transitions, and general mental health concerns. Though Danielle is a trained professional, this column is not a substitute for advice or care provided by your licensed medical or health care professional.
Well, it looks like the holiday season must be upon us. Most of your inquiries this month touched on the anxiety of seeing and interacting with family for planned get togethers. If you’re among the readers with a knot in your stomach at the very thought of a tense Thanksgiving dinner table: You’re not alone. With global turmoil and political divisiveness at a fever pitch, a lot of us are doing our best to figure out how to get through it all on a daily basis, family input notwithstanding.
I’m supposed to go home for Thanksgiving, but I’m dreading it. My family members are all huge Trump supporters, and I’m very, very much not. We don’t see the world the same way at all. Every time I visit, they find a way to bring up politics—even when I try to steer the conversation elsewhere. It always leaves me feeling really depressed and shut down. Sometimes I feel like if I suggest we change the subject, they dig in deeper, which makes me furious. I love them, but I don’t know how to be around them without either checking out entirely or fighting with them. I’m starting to wonder if I have to go? And if I do, how do I survive it without losing my mind?
You absolutely do not have to go home for Thanksgiving. When dealing with family, it’s easy to slip into old childhood dynamics and forget that you’re an adult and that you, and only you, get to decide what’s best for your mental and emotional health. The expectation to spend holidays with family isn’t a moral obligation—it’s just a tradition. Good news about traditions: They get to be reimagined to suit who you currently are and what’s meaningful for you. If an old tradition isn’t working, you have the right to try something new. Friendsgiving, anyone?
Having said that, if there’s a part of you that does want to go, that’s also valid. Maybe Thanksgiving with family is special for you and you want to spend time with the people you miss, or to revisit old childhood memories and create new ones as an adult with the people you care about. Ideally, that’s what family gatherings should be about: strengthening family bonds while creating a sense of identity and belonging.
Your description of your family’s dynamics brings to mind a Thanksgiving that is less about disagreement and more about your family dismissing your needs and shutting down your attempts to disengage from political talk. You’re not imagining things or being too sensitive. In the past you have tried to create a safe environment and you were ignored. Your anger, sadness, and frustration are completely understandable.
I can’t change your family (if only, right?), but what I can do is offer a few suggestions on how you might be able to navigate the situation a little easier if you do decide to go home.
1. Set the terms before you arrive
An example might be a text that says something like: “I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone, but I want to ask if we can steer clear of politics during the visit. It’s been hard in the past, and I just want us to have a peaceful time together.”
If it makes sense in your situation, you can also acknowledge that you have felt unheard and dismissed in previous conversations, making the exchange unproductive and emotionally painful, which you worry is damaging the relationship. Remember, underneath your request is a desire to feel more connected and maintain peace. Though we may not often think of it this way, setting boundaries is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a relationship.
Of course, they may not honor your request—but at least you’ve made your needs known. If you find yourself in that familiar feeling of being ignored, shut-down, or stonewalled with political discourse, you can say, “I don’t want to get into this. This year, I need to do something different for my own well-being. I hope you understand,” and, if needed, walk away. Not debate, not defend, just exit. I recommend a bathroom break. Even if it’s just to take stock of how you’re feeling, take a breather and, if it feels right, come back.
2. It doesn’t have to become a fight
One of my clients has developed an agreed upon family “safe phrase” if things start to get political or heated: “No politics at Thanksgiving.” For her family, it has become a lighthearted way to reset the room and remind everyone of the shared goal: being together as a family.
3. Have an escape route
You have the right to leave early. That’s not avoidance—that’s self-respect. If you’ve decided to be with family, give yourself an “out,” just in case. Make plans with a friend for the day after to decompress. Another good idea is to make sure the people you love and trust know what’s happening before you go so they can be there to support you if you need it.
We’re allowed to outgrow old dynamics. We’re allowed to want less conflict, fewer debates, more peace. That doesn’t mean you love your family less. It just means you love yourself enough, too. So, no—you don’t have to go. But if you choose to, go with support, clarity, and an exit strategy. The best thing about being an adult is that you get to make some rules now.
If you need to speak to someone right away, call 504-269-COPE (2673). The COPE crisis line provides free, confidential crisis counseling, suicide prevention and information, and mental health referral services 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
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