Stores Are Tired
Stores are tired of eating people stealing
eating people are the worst when it comes to
shoplifting, because eating people have appetites
for things as well as food, though that didn’t deter
that legendary lady from stuffing a small turkey up
her very versatile snatch. Did you know you could
catch a cold that way ‘cause that bird was frozen?
I heard she did and she didn’t get out of bed for almost
a year. Probably wasn’t worth it, but stores are still
tired of eating people stealing, so much so that cameras
pivot and whir right outside changing room doors,
right at the cracks of those doors, hoping to catch a
shadow or movement that’s suspect even though
stores don’t really have to ask permission to search
your bag or even detain you for awhile. I worked in a
place where security would dogpile repeat offenders
in the elevator on their two floor journey up to the
inquisition room where they’d dogpile ‘em again.
That didn’t learn any of ‘em a goddamned thing
because they’d be back at it the next month and one
even came back and took a dump in the understock.
Have all those tired-ass stores considered that we’re
tired of barely being able to afford groceries and
maybe might want to lower prices even a few cents so
people can eat more than white bread and baloney
sandwiches while they dream of oranges, pancakes,
and coffee? Things that were considered staples,
not luxuries, up until about five minutes ago. I’ll
tell you what, I ain’t eating any baloney sammiches
anytime soon, so stores better make way for my
salad-snatching skills and chocolate pilfering. Did
you hear about that guy who tried to use a floatie to
steal gas? Set himself on fire when he was running
away, swirled with vapors. Maybe he should have
waited to have that smoke. Bet he wished he had a
super versatile snatch that day, though not quite sure
how that would have worked either.
—Karen Lozinski
illustration by Happy Burbeck
