Ann Herren lives in Uptown and is founder of Nola Family Magazine, a freelance writer, proud parent of a teen daughter, and wildly opinionated.
“THE TALK” FOR TEEN GIRLS
(POLITICAL HELLSCAPE EDITION)
So it’s time to have the sex and puberty talk with your daughter. For most of us, the anticipation of this moment ranks up there with driver’s license renewals and tax preparation. Parenting milestones don’t come bigger than this—or more daunting.
Some parents put great thought into what they tell their children, and when. Others put absolutely no thought into it. Having conducted a highly unscientific poll of parent friends in preparation for this piece, I was surprised that many never really had the “big talk” with their kids. They instead relied on school health classes, their kids’ older siblings, and as one lazy friend admitted, “osmosis.” They checked in with their kids: “Do you have any questions? Do you know how all that *waves hands* works?” Once they receive an affirmative, the job is done.
Honestly, in my daughter’s early years, I found myself putting a lot of mental labor into these future conversations with her, mostly because my mom never had them with me. The remembered shame I had of thinking, at nine, that babies came out of the belly button (so why don’t men also have babies?) stuck with me for a long time. I’m almost positive my mom relied solely on the school health class or perhaps my childhood sleepovers for my sexual education. Who knows, maybe I’m giving her too much credit, and she didn’t give it any thought at all.
But to be clear—no, sleepovers did not help clear up anything aside from who liked who this week. I do know I was NOT informed that belly buttons aren’t for birthing and yes, I was salty and embarrassed about that lack of proper knowledge. I don’t remember any sex or puberty talks with anyone until my first period or, actually, my first tampon. I remember vividly being at my best friend’s house, lying on the bathroom floor spread-eagled while she pulled my tampon out for me because I was completely freaked out and had, in fact, already passed out twice from my attempt. We are still close friends because that kind of bond never dies. So, back to the talk with my daughter—I was determined to do right by her in terms of the great Passing of Knowledge and Wisdom. We had many conversations that started with, “My mom never told me this, but…” Yep, still salty.
Don’t Get Stuck in the Weeds
Admittedly, in preparation, I geeked out on the science aspect a LOT. I’m positive I made the prospect of puberty about as interesting as I did my detailed explanation of Rayleigh scattering that I gave a four-year-old in answer to her question of “Why is the sky blue?” Overcomplication aside, giving them the information they seek, when they ask for it, is also key. How many parents bring up aspects of puberty and sex when their kids aren’t interested or even care? They’re met with an eeew!, confusion, or just disinterested stares out the car window. To that end, I bought a few books (see below) on the human body—clear, concise, non-judgmental information she could access whenever she wanted. We were off and running.
Some advice: If you don’t shy away from curious questions no matter their age, use the proper terminology for body parts, and are frank and unembarrassed, there will never be an awkward conversation. It will just be one casual chat after another that you have at dinner, in the car, or out for a walk.
At the same time though, I didn’t want to leave it all in my own hands either. I’m the same person who will be holding my car keys as I look for them, so there are dangers in relying entirely on myself. When she was nine, we trotted off to the Children’s Hospital program “Growing Up For Girls (ages 9-12).” I highly recommend it. They touched on things I didn’t even think about—small things, like the change in body odor during puberty and how to use deodorant.
About that same time, those random little one-off chats and factoids that went from my internal preparation to actual conversations seemed… insufficient. I realized after the 2016 election that my cuddly little girl, whom I had just taken to the “Growing Up” class, was coming of age in a changing landscape. I knew future conversations with her about becoming a woman and about women’s health would be different than I had hoped.
The Times They Are A-Changin’
As parents, my husband and I wanted to raise a strong, knowledgeable daughter. Then again, we live in a state where the old and misogynistic Senator John Kennedy recently said women who requested tampons after Hurricane Helene don’t actually need tampons during disaster relief, so… look at the decision-makers we’re working with. Along those lines of legislative decisions on women’s health being made by men who don’t understand bodily autonomy, our conversation with our daughter needed to reflect that change, to build that into the equation of her agency over her body. I talked to her about how vitally important safe sex is and that it carries a much heavier burden for women than men. With the new restrictions in abortion laws, she was no longer entitled, nor were we as her parents, to make decisions in her best interest. Young girls should be fully informed about pregnancy: when exactly in their cycle it occurs, that protection is their choice (not their partner’s), and what options they have (or don’t) afterwards. You’d be astonished at how many parents know unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy, but their knowledge ends there. It matters not a bit how you feel about women’s rights if you don’t first agree that a woman has the right to determine whether she puts herself at risk for the consequences of sex.
Beyond teaching your kids about puberty, menstruation, and how the human body works, the single most important conversation you can have with your child—regardless of gender—is about consent and having agency over their body. They need to know they have complete ownership of their bodies and minds—nobody should use them, manipulate them, or hold power over them. Consent is an important concept to teach well before sex education because it reaches farther than that. Do you have an adult in your life who you don’t like touching you? You can decline. It doesn’t matter if you’re five years old or 19. Consent—and this is critical —is not just saying OK. It’s wanting to participate in whatever activity is suggested, whether hugging or sex, not merely accepting that it will happen to you.
The key is to always keep an open dialogue with your child, at every age. Think of them like the open tabs on your computer, representing all the small conversations yet to come, serving as gentle reminders. Normalize these topics because then they won’t be awkward. If you feel awkward, tell her about the weird misconceptions you used to have or repeat overheard conversations your friends had with their kids as an opener to an uncomfortable topic. Traversing the past few years with a teen daughter, I like to think of myself as wonderfully annoying, charmingly persistent, and adorably point blank. I figure if I broach topics often enough with her, then it won’t be awkward for her to come to me for guidance when she has questions or fears.
Sadly, Louisiana, with some of the strictest laws controlling what a woman does with her body, is one of the worst states to be a female. What you can still give your daughter, however, is the empowerment and knowledge to help her navigate her sexual maturation with confidence.
Resources
It’s So Amazing! A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (Candlewick Press)
Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!) The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls (Rockridge Press)
Children’s Hospital Class: Growing Up (Puberty)
illustrations by Victoria Allen
