Nikki Mingledorff is the founder and executive director of Resilient Divorce Pathways and program director of the Family Mediation & Divorce Center. With a background in marriage and family therapy, she specializes in family and divorce mediation, along with amicable divorce coaching, parenting coaching, and parenting education. A graduate of Tulane, Nikki has called New Orleans home for over 30 years. She and her husband Jason live in Algiers Point with their three boys (ages 18, 14, and 11), a dog, three cats, and plenty of plants. A consummate traveler, voracious reader, and lover of all things tea, she firmly believes fest season is the best season.
Connecting Through the Ages
This year, my oldest son turned 18, my middle son started high school, and my youngest began middle school. Somehow, in what feels like the blink of an eye, the babies we once rocked to sleep are now young adults planning their futures.
I know every age has its challenges, but connecting with your child is much easier when they’re young. As babies, their world revolves around you. They depend on you for everything, and it takes very little to make them smile. As toddlers, they follow you around, constantly seeking your attention, and easily beam with joy just from your loving gaze.
As children grow, their world expands. School, friendships, and new interests gradually pull them outward. Maintaining connection requires more intention, and this only increases as they move into adolescence and adulthood.
The Power of Showing Up
Connection is built on trust, communication, and care. Children are less likely to turn to you if these are missing. In my professional life, I’ve long appreciated the work of Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, a psychiatrist and clinical professor at UCLA’s School of Medicine. In his book The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired, Dr. Siegel and co-author Dr. Tina Payne Bryson explain that children thrive when caregivers consistently meet four core needs: feeling safe, soothed, secure, and seen (understood and valued for who they are). When these needs are met, children develop the confidence to explore the world while knowing they have a safe place to return.
Words Translated into Action
So, what does that look like? In preparing for this article, I asked my sons what helps them feel connected to us to garner more specifics. Their answers reflected these core needs and were shaped by their age and personality.
Our youngest eagerly shared how much he values feeling encouraged and noticed. Whether it’s celebrating accomplishments, thoughtful gifts, or checking in when something feels off, what matters most to him is knowing we’re paying attention. One detail that surprised me is that he likes when I say, “Get home safely, my loves,” or “Drive safely.”
Our 14-year-old centered his answer around one concept—quality time—especially around food. Fitting since food is a central pillar of connection in our Filipino culture. Our schedules don’t allow for regular family dinners, so shared meals are intentional moments to connect. We often enjoy that time together by playing games like 20 Questions, Heads Up, Would You Rather, or Who Knows Me Best, favorites because they encourage reflection and learning more about each other. He also highlighted car rides with his dad. Commutes have become a natural space to connect, especially because of the amount of time they spend in the car. There, they have created the habit of taking turns choosing music and talking about school, classes, interests, and their goings-on. This ordinary routine has become one of their most consistent spaces for engaging conversation.
Our oldest spoke less about activities and more about the framework of respect. He values open conversations about life and the world, and appreciates being taken seriously and navigating disagreements thoughtfully, particularly as he becomes more independent. He knows we have his best interests at heart, and is thankful we’re not “my way or the highway” parents. Instead, we “speak softly but carry a big stick”—guiding without controlling.
It’s the Little Things
After hearing their answers, I was proud that the boys were so articulate and complimentary. Not surprisingly, their answers reflected their love languages as well, particularly quality time, gifts, and words of affirmation. What surprised me was what they didn’t do. I half expected them to take this opportunity to gently rib us, as kids do. Instead, their responses felt like encouragement. They also didn’t talk about big events or elaborate family traditions. Instead, they recalled mundane moments of life: conversations in the car, the ways we encourage and communicate, shared meals, and playful interactions. It was a reminder that how we show up—especially in their daily life—matters more than we realize.
We juggle a lot, as many families do. Our schedules are all over the place and often inconsistent. Connection isn’t always planned, but it remains a priority, with the boys often popping in to talk when they’re around. If I’m busy, I pause when I can; and if I can’t, we circle back later. We make the most of what we have, and even in these small instances, connections grow. Brief meaningful moments, repeated often, add up. They’re consistent signs of care. In the moments between specifically planned family time, these quick check-ins help keep us close. Being engaged, curious, and considerate about their lives helps us remain a part of their world rather than an outsider looking in.
What Connection Looks Like at Different Ages
Connection evolves as our children grow, but the underlying needs remain the same. The change has more to do with their growing maturity and evolving interests.
Young children: focus is on play, engagement, and reassurance.
School-age kids: need attentiveness and a sense of mutual curiosity about their world.
Teens: require respect, recognition, patience (through their many mistakes), and grace.
Young adults: necessitate mutual dialogue, consideration, and trust that they’ll be able to stand on their own.
Lessons from the Journey
Throughout the years, both personally and professionally, I’ve learned a lot. Your own kids, in particular, have a way of humbling you. My biggest takeaways:
1. Kids don’t need perfect parents.
We’re all far from perfect. Consistent presence and actively listening matters more. Equally as important is our willingness to repair when we fall short. There’s grace in failure, especially when we model how to recover. Tweens and teens in particular appreciate this.
2. Encouragement is the cornerstone of connection.
When children see that we believe in who they’re becoming, it’s powerful. It strengthens them.
3. Connection grows deeply in the spaces in between big moments.
Milestones are meaningful, but it’s the everyday interactions children tend to remember most. The years do pass by in a blur. It’s a part of life—for better or worse. And looking back, it’s the little things that we hold onto—the times we felt content, safe, seen, and deeply loved. How we show up leaves a lasting impression.
illustrations by Victoria Allen
