This month’s column features the stories of multiple authors, who are identified by first name or initial. We are grateful to each of them for their transparency and honesty about a topic that is chronically under-discussed.
NO HEARTBEAT: FOUR MOTHERS SHARE THEIR STORIES OF LOSS
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Studies have shown approximately 1/5 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is a relatively common and known outcome medically, and yet many women are blindsided by the experience because it’s not something most people hear about as part of sex education. And of course it’s not often discussed in “polite company” either. We asked a handful of mothers to share their experience around pregnancy loss with us and they were gracious enough to tell us their stories.
Boy or Girl?
Before welcoming her daughter into the world, Susan suffered an abdominal pregnancy—where a fertilized egg implants in the abdominal cavity—at 8-12 weeks in 1990. In her opinion, the health system only complicated what was already a confusing and distressing experience. “I had an abdominal pregnancy. I had no idea what that was and didn’t understand what was happening,” she said. “After my surgery, I was housed on an OB ward, next to the nursery. I could hear crying infants all day. The well-meaning housekeeper asked if I’d had a boy or a girl. An anesthesiologist came into my room by accident and asked how I tolerated the epidural (that I didn’t have). My own doctor brought a group of students into my room to stare at me while he explained to them in much better detail about my abdominal pregnancy than he did with me.” Unfortunately, Susan didn’t find support or resources when she left the hospital either. “People were awkward about it. My mother-in-law told me I hadn’t really lost a baby since it was so early in the pregnancy,” she shared. “My own mother told me (four weeks post-op) that I needed to get over it and go to my sister’s baby shower and help make a plaster cast of her pregnant belly.” When it came to resources, Susan says there weren’t any at that time, but her greatest takeaway from the experience was, “Advocate for yourself. Go to the therapy groups for mothers experiencing loss, no matter what anyone else says.”
Not Viable
Emily’s loss looked a bit different. She suffered a chemical pregnancy, which is defined as the failure of an embryo to develop and typically happens in the first five weeks of pregnancy. She was working with a fertility specialist at the time, which she says made a significant difference in how she handled her loss. “They did a blood test to see that yes, I was pregnant, but the levels were not going to be a viable pregnancy. They offered to do follow-up blood tests, but I ended up bleeding as I was embarking on vacation.” She also made sure she was surrounded with family support. “I shared [about the loss] with my parents. I am the type of person that tells my mother and father about my day as I drive home from work. I knew I would want some other support other than my husband,” she said. “My mom was very hopeful that the pregnancy would stick, even though I told her that the doctor said it wasn’t going to.” Emily said she had been open with her friends about her and her husband’s fertility struggles and people knew she was seeing a specialist, which meant less awkwardness among friends after her loss. Her greatest takeaway from the experience was that it’s vital to know your body. “If you have a feeling that something is wrong, then it is worth checking into,” she said. “Shortly after the chemical pregnancy, I was already working with a gastrointestinal doctor due to my constant stomach issues. After many tests I discovered that I had SIBO [small intestinal bacterial overgrowth], and it was possible that SIBO was stopping me from getting pregnant. My research showed that the bacteria can take away essential nutrients needed to have a viable pregnancy.” Emily is currently expecting her first child.
Unable or Unwilling
Alyson endured four miscarriages before giving birth to her son. She found that eventually, she hit a wall with her providers. “The first few times my doctors were compassionate, but as time went on I felt as if they were unable or unwilling to continue to search for the reason as to why it was happening,” she said. “I was told that it just wasn’t my time to have a child. I then started to advocate for myself and found other doctors who were willing to research the problem more extensively.” Thankfully, she found more support when she shared about her experiences and frustrations. “I did speak out about my miscarriages. I felt people were very understanding and compassionate. They were grieving with me and for me, but in their own way,” she shared. “I did feel like something was wrong with me and people would think I was broken, but the people I surrounded myself with and those who stayed for the long haul are the ones that matter.” A hard lesson that many people who have been brushed aside by our medical system have to learn, Alyson’s biggest takeaway from her recurrent miscarriages is this: “Never stop trying and always advocate for yourself. If you think that there is more you can do, then seek out that help.”
“Geriatric Uterus”
E experienced two miscarriages: one around 8 weeks and another around 12 weeks. When asked if the health system made the process more or less difficult, she clarified, “It’s not that it was more difficult. It’s more that the system made me feel like this was normal and to expect it to potentially happen again, which it did.” She went on to share that she wasn’t prepared for any of this because as a society we don’t speak openly about miscarriages enough to normalize them. “The first miscarriage was a total shock and emotionally heartbreaking,” she said. “The second one was worse. I felt like I did everything right and my body was failing me. At first, no one talked about the potential of the male sperm being part of the issue. It was inferred that I was an older mom with a ‘geriatric uterus’ and my body was rejecting the pregnancy because it wasn’t sustainable. My eggs were old. It felt like it was all on me, which was a heavy burden to bear.” Thankfully, she found her way to a provider who was willing to dig deeper. “It wasn’t until I went to a fertility doctor that they started looking at both mine and my husband’s fertility to explore the issues we were facing,” she said. “When I got pregnant the third time, my fertility doctor was a game changer. She brought me in for ultrasounds every week to check on the baby and give me peace of mind until I ‘graduated’ at 12 weeks. The fertility specialists were as important for my mental health as my physical health during that pregnancy.” Her greatest takeaway from these painful losses was the importance of empathy. “There’s so much hope when you get pregnant the first time and so much devastation when you lose a pregnancy and a child,” she shared. “I didn’t know of my first loss until my husband and I went in at 12 weeks for an ultrasound. We went in so high on life and left utterly devastated. Even if I don’t know another woman personally, I feel deeply for her and her partner for their loss and empathize with the emotion I know they are feeling.” E and her husband are the proud parents of a beautiful son.
Words of Wisdom
Each of these amazing moms had advice to share with families experiencing pregnancy loss.
Susan: “What happened to you matters, and how you grieve and move forward is a very personal choice. Your grief at any stage of pregnancy should never be stuffed into someone else’s timeline.”
Emily: “It is hard, and no one has any right to dictate how you feel. Even if it is an early loss, there was still that hope, that little moment where there was a life inside of you, and any kind of loss is very tough.”
Alyson: “Don’t wait to change routes or healthcare. If you question what is being provided then please do yourself a solid and seek out someone that is willing to help.”
E: “Take time to grieve and process. Tell others that you love, so they can support you. And don’t take all of the burden on yourself. There’s so many factors at play and we just don’t know what causes all of these losses. Give yourself grace and love.
Resources
New Orleans Grief Center
Infertility Group Therapy
psychologytoday.com/us/groups/infertility-group-therapy-new-orleans-la/268137
The Fertility Institute of New Orleans
Patient Education & Support
fertilityinstitute.com/fertility-support-groups-events
Re:birth Counseling
Perinatal Mental Health with focuses on Infertility & Loss
Instagram: @rebirthcounseling
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support
Online Support Groups
nationalshare.org/online-support
illustrations by Victoria Allen
