POOP. IT’S NEVER WHAT’S FOR DINNER.
Ecosystemic evolution made a genius move when it added waste products to the circle of life, proactively making it as disgusting as possible to anything that was meant to avoid it, and absolutely delectable to anything that was meant to recycle it. Poop elicits an ancient bodily horror in us that spiders and snakes can only dream of rivaling, and it is meant to be exactly so. You’re much better off eating snakes and spiders than you are eating poop, and the latter is also far more likely to kill you. And yet. The circle. The flies, the fungus, and the microscopic fecal fiends blissfully revel in our hellish leftovers to make life for us abound again. In celebration of this beautiful balance, let’s talk about poop and evolution in the garden—not in the obvious compost manner, but rather in a few more esoteric ways this biological process has found its way into our world.
We’ll begin with the swallowtail caterpillar, mostly because, come on… Swallow? Tail? The perfect circle of life segue is right there on the nose. There are actually many species in the swallowtail family, even just here in the Southeast. You may be familiar with the weirdest and most common of the swallowtail caterpillars, the black swallowtail. It’s the stripey black and green fella with the buggy orange alien gum antennae that pop out in a sincere effort to terrorize. It works well against birds, but tends to make us humans want to emotionally torture it to activate the bugout antennae again and again.
This defense mechanism clearly has its shortcomings in this anthropocentric world, but another larva, the giant swallowtail caterpillar, has a preservation mechanism that keeps even us humans at bay. The caterpillar looks exactly like bird poop, especially when it is at its most vulnerable and about to enter its chrysalis phase. Because it is such a specific adaptation and looks so un-caterpillar or even alive-like in its disguise, I think it’s fair to guess that many of you have seen this before but didn’t have a clue what it was. It resembles bird poop so perfectly that you’ve probably been too grossed out to even wipe it off of the citrus tree you found it on.
They live on, eat, and enter their pupal phase on citrus trees almost exclusively, much like how their cousins only imbibe on fennel, dill, and carrots—cousins, who, by the way, many gardeners feed intentionally with care and adoration because we love nurturing future beautiful butterflies. Well, guess what? The giant swallowtail is a beautiful butterfly too and deserves to be adored and cared for even if it does look for now like a bird turd on your beautiful fruit tree. They do not congregate en masse when feeding and will do no noteworthy harm to your citrus trees, and you should absolutely let these poo babies turn into delicate angels in your backyard every opportunity that you get to do so.
Another false poop frequently encountered by gardeners is the dog poop fungus, which goes by many slightly different scientific names with slightly different looks, depending on where it lives, but is colloquially dog poop fungus no matter how or where it is found. Around Louisiana, we often find the flat, diarrheic-looking subspecies near pine trees and live oaks. This is a good fungus! It breaks down leaf detritus and turns it into bioavailable soil for your plants, including said trees if that is what you’re working with. Let the dog poop fungus lie! Of note, this is not to be confused with the dog vomit slime mold, the bright yellow stuff, though this is also safe and normal and helps break down organic matter in a beneficial manner. Of similar note, this is not to be confused with the dog stinkhorn, which smells like especially rancid dog poop and looks like a red rocket. Yes, this fungus is also a good thing to have in your garden and helps your soil to thrive. You might still want to get rid of it, though, as it definitely smells worse than the most toxic cat shit.
Was that not killer foreshadowing for a segue into my next poopy subject? Cats love pooping in garden beds—often cats whose poop is decidedly not healthy or safe for you or your garden to be near. Yes, it will decompose eventually, but what microbes will then lay beneath your soil, you are better off never knowing or experiencing. Fortunately for you, fixing this fecal feline scourge consists mostly of doing exactly all the things you ought to do anyway to make a raised bed flourish.
Cats like sandy, compact dirt for bathrooms; plants like loamy, fluffy soil for bedrooms. Topping off your bed with fresh topsoil and compost will go a long way in keeping cats away from their erstwhile wash closet. Pinestraw mulch, which is definitely the best mulch for small beds to use around these parts anyway, will poke at cats’ bits and create a generally uncomfortable place for them to rest and release while also providing moisture and climate control for your plants. Finally, filling your bed with plants in general will keep the cats away. For whatever reason they prefer an open space to one clogged with objects, such as plants, in a plant bed. To further discourage dookies, use herbs with strong scents and plant them relatively densely while you’re at it. Pro tip: Do not use catnip to this end, it will not help.
The infinite ways in which poop intersects with the garden are as endless as the circle of life that depends on faunal waste to bring about both death and rebirth. If I tried to talk about even half of it my words would reach farther than a small intestine. For now, it is enough to be reminded that poop is an integral part of our being in more ways than we know.
illustrations by Rachel Speck
