Rather be dead than alive by your oppression.
Rather be dead than alive by your design
Poisoned my fingers
Burned out my eyes
Cut down my throat
To be alive.
—Refused
AN ENDORSEMENT TO FAN THE FLAMES OF FARMERS’ CONTENT
So there’s this weed killer called Roundup, made up (until recently1*Actually, while glyphosate is still the main ingredient in large scale agricultural weed killer, and is still readily available for unpermitted retail purchase, most recognizable brands of broad spectrum weed killer do not have glyphosate in them anymore, because of relative consumer awareness and pushback. That is not to say that the new chemical compounds are any safer for you. In fact, I’m willing to bet more than a few pretty pennies that we’ll find out all sorts of (probably already confirmed by science and known by Bayer) horrible facts about these new compounds in the next five to 20 years.) primarily of the chemical compound glyphosate, invented by the biotechnology industrial farming complex Monsanto, which was acquired in recent years by the even larger agrochemical and medical industrial complex Bayer.
Perhaps you have heard of one or more of these? And if so, perhaps you have heard a reason or three why they are not particularly great? And if you have ever had a garden ever in your life, especially in the summertime in New Orleans, perhaps you have also heard of weeds? And perhaps you have had a reason or three to believe they are not particularly great either?
If my premonitions of perhapsness ring at all true, then have I got a solution to your not particularly great problems! It is the first wave of the future, the oldest new thing humanity has yet known, and probably the hottest thing on your block right now unless someone is welding a fence or thunderstorms are abrewing.
We’re talking about fire, arguably the most important tool to the foundation of agricultural society. But I’m not here to spark your interest in the history of slash-and-burn agriculture today. This is a practical gardening advice column, after all. So I’m here to light up your gardening life with a modernized and microcosmical adjustment to an ancient solution to an even more ancient problem with the weed flame torch.
That’s right folks, a tiny little flamethrower invented for, marketed as, and massively effective at eradicating your garden’s weedy woes. And all without putting the plants you love in danger by using terrifying chemicals that kill every non-gmo Roundup ready plant they touch, and without putting the ones you love in danger of ingesting chemicals known to cause cancer, disrupt gut microbiomes, and probably do a lot of other terrible things to non-plant bodies that agribusiness has lobbied long and hard to keep secret from you.
This handy tool of the organic growing trade is extremely safe for the savvy user and costs less than $50 at most retailers, needing nothing more than a propane tank to bring its full heat to the garden. But you cannot help but wonder, is it not insanely irresponsible and incredibly dangerous to light your garden on fire? To which I must tell you: Yes, it is insanely irresponsible and incredibly dangerous to do such a thing and I would not recommend anyone do anything of the sort anywhere near human infrastructure of any sort.
The flame torch does not destroy plant matter with willy-nilly fire, but rather with extremely high heat focused very consciously on the plants you want gone, for a brief period of time. The idea is not to catch anything on fire, but to conduct extremely high temperatures from a plant’s leaves to its roots, boiling the water up inside them, as good as instantly. Also, an added bonus from flaming your beds and beyond: Seeds that get caught in the flames will also generally die, setting you up for a blindingly brighter future in the garden. Weeds generally turn a brighter green after you light them up—you are not trying to incinerate them at all. That would take way longer, use up way too much propane, and be very stupidly dangerous.
The way the torch kills weeds, you will see only subtle differences at first, but within one to three days the weeds will yellow and die, much like they do when you spray them with Roundup or some other broad spectrum weed killer. It’s OK to get super defensive when people see this and accuse you of poisoning your garden with glyphosate when you actually just used the purifying power of the flame to cleanse your soil of evils. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I was spraying murderous liquids all over my yard and foodstuffs either.
Speaking on the aforementioned danger, it is a true and well-known, verifiable fact that fire can be extremely dangerous. Just as you should be careful when using a grill, lighting the pilot light in your water heater, cooking on a stove, or doing tricks with your Zippo, you should be aware that fire is in fact very hot and that is the reason you are using it, and that it can spread rapidly. As such, you should absolutely never operate the phenomenal power of the propane-fueled weed torch without having a hose nearby ready and waiting should you catch fire to a bit of mulch, dried grass, or diabolical landscaping fabric hiding just below the surface. Also, it is worth noting that just as water negates the power of fire, exceptionally dry places exacerbate the power of fire. Dry things catch on fire more quickly than wet things. Use rationale, use reason, and double check with a hose to be sure you haven’t left any lightly smoldering heaps behind you when you’re done, lest a neighbor wrongfully accuse you of trying to burn their property down.
illustrations by Rachel Speck
