If you haven’t heard of Krampus then you’re not sniffing enough reindeer dust. Krampus is Winter holiday season’s biggest mythological party animal, yes even more so than the Yetti. Hailing from imaginary Germanic quadrants of pre- Christmasdom, Krampus is Saint Nick’s Bad Cop. When he’s not getting mistaken for guitar players of doom-metal bands, Krampus is the guy who delivers coal to those deserving of less than a Groupon in their stocking. He’s also known for spanking the young’ens deserving of them and the older ones, too, if the end justifies the means (wink, wink). I had the pleasure of interviewing Krampus earlier this summer on a mountainbiking trip in the Alps. Over a few good Belgian ales I asked him a questions that, well, got his goat.
What, if anything, does Krampus give to people for the holidays, like friends and such? Do you have gifts that you like to give or are you a gag gift sort of person, or… ?
Krampus: Holy Shizer, man. No one has asked such a question. Whoah, you’re blowin’ Krampus’ mind sack. Yes, I do give gifts; I’m the best giftgiver in the world. My bad gifts to the bad folks are legendary but my good gifts? Oh man, I’m good. Sal [Krampus’ nickname for Saint Nick] and I both are Mythological Being 843 Union members, so I always try and give stuff from tradesmen or handmade stuff. I like to buy American-made goods. It’s becoming such a rare thing, need to buy as much as possible before the TransPacific partnership makes it more rare. Homemade stuff is great: baked goods, crafts. I’ve even peed people’s names in the snow and photographed and framed that. Art is great: again, one of a kind, supporting the maker. I love vintage for the same reason I like handmade stuff. With true vintage it has the originality of being… uh…
Unique in its scarcity?
Huhm, brah. I always try and shop local when possible. It’s more fun; little mom and pop stores are always much more in the spirit than some mall-ass shit. If I’m being lazy or strapped for time or because me and Sal are behind schedule, I use a few online sources like Etsy; or if there’s some artist I’ve seen on fecalface.com that I like, I may contact folks directly. Reluctantly I will use eBay.
I do have some no no’s, too, for the holidays. No gift cards. Gift cards SUCK! They are the equivalent of a non-gift. Unless it’s for a service like a tattoo or a massage or hair cut, that kind of crap. I try not to give “want” gifts, either. I like practical things, useful items. Things that people will think of you every time they use, right? That’s a gift. With children of course, I’m not a complete bastard but I try and keep a thought of usefulness or learning involved. I usually give the young ones blocks of wood, Legos or picture books. Sure, they’ll be a little pissed that it’s not the “Jim Loaf Turtle Head” doll that they wanted; but they know the alternative. [Krampus laughs and shoots fire out of his ass] Whoah, sorry. Uh, yeah, the older ones also get books, age appropriate. I’m also not into giving booze so much, unless it is truly special, rare or hard to find. Oh and please, please, please leave your bleeding heart at home for the holidays. DO NOT give a gift to a charity in honor of someone. Don’t use the holiday as a time to soapbox. If you’re a I don’t recognize this holiday because blah blah blah— stay the fuck home or it’ll be WHACK upside the head with Krampus’ coal sock.
