For years, great downtown bars from Anna’s to Bacchanal have been plagued by the absurdist scourge of noise complaints. For reasons known only to Satan himself, some residents choose to move in next to boisterous and beloved local watering holes and rain hell upon them in the form of frequent appeals to the authorities. Happily, Vaughan’s Lounge doesn’t have that problem. The residents surrounding the legendary dive bar take pride in their affiliation, and many are among Vaughan’s most loyal customers. These working-class artists and bon vivants appreciate the sound and color of their corner of the world, and none of them were raised snitches. But that doesn’t mean they greet all noisy intrusions with equanimity. For several years now, the 700 block of Lesseps has fallen victim to a cacophonous assault emanating from a house in the middle of the block: a loud, endlessly running sander, coupled with bad rock music played at full volume. Evidently, there is no end in sight. “They’re sanding RIGHT NOW,” one resident texted at press time. “I can hear it in every room of my house. When will the madness stop?” Lacking recourse, this community turned to each other in their time of need. Their solution? Compose a series of haiku to immortalize their rage.
Oh my god shut up
Two and a half fuckin’ years
Please go sand elsewhere
This guitar solo sucks
We sand the same wall again
Nobody wants this
AJ cranks up the Ratt
We’ve sanded through to the studs
God is testing us
What are they sanding?
The house is gone, just vapor
Still the Poison plays
They have cursed the block
Sand dust power ballads screams
No one will survive
RRR rrr RR rrr RRR
BZZT zzzzzz BANG CRASH RrrR
*Judas Priest solo*
Freelance sanding gig
The only explanation
Is a side hustle
I asked Stanley what
The fuck are they sanding now?
He said, “it’s my soul!”
You park in front of
My house every single
Day. And sand. And sand
Oh hi! We are ghouls
From a nether dimension
Here to sand your souls
I remember when
The quiet hush of neighbors
Resounded inside
Illustrations by Magda Boreysza
