Top 5 Premium Vapes

“I mix my own for fifteen cents a quart, and it’s great!” No it’s not. You’re a scrub, get away. Strictly. Premium. Vapes.
That’s the credo emblazoned on the door to the nomadic VIP Lounge-machine that is my flawless life.

 

5. Big Chief Vapors: The Roosevelt     (Local!!)

Named after our city’s relentlessly elegant Roosevelt Hotel, you can enjoy this unlikely and inimitable marriage of tastes all day before figuring out what the fruit is: an understated melon, set against white chocolate. It might sound like a hideous chimera, but makes perfect sense on the tongue. Mellow and contemplative.

 

4. Traditional Juice: Indian Giver

Not the only vape goo with a racist or troubling name. Described as “deep fried ice cream,” this actually has a dominant cereal flavor with eggy custard undertones; imagine grapenut pudding crossed with a beignet. Yeasty, with a hint of molasses. It’s basically a bottle of umami. You’ll want to drink it– resist the urge, since nicotine’s a deadly poison.

 

3. Vapor’s Inn Crème Anglaise: Citron Vert       (Local!!)

All the house mixes at Vapor’s Inn are high-end, so one approaches their premium line, Crème Anglaise, with elevated expectations. This delivers. Layered, subtly different creams evoke chiboust and mascarpone, but the main event is a bright vein of lime: a one-two punch of kaffir lime leaves and key lime zest that runs from start to finish, so tart it’s like biting into a grapeseed.

 

2. Gallery: Penthouse Dream

For those insufficiently embarrassed by a product featuring not one but two vintage spank mags in its name, the bottle’s label redoubles-down the douche with a pair of bodywaxed white “lesbians” pornily presenting for the gaze. But you see, it’s ironic. It’s by a Street Artist! It’s art. Whatever. Vaping is awful. This is also one of the best flavors out there. An initial hit of maple sugar fades immediately into a seamless weave of bourbon, custard and salted caramel that trails off with a light, lingering touch of vanilla. The ensemble is warm, smooth and velvety as the plasticized skin of your anime waifu. Loserdom’s never been so delicious.

 

1. NJOY Artist Collection: Dragonscape, by Randy of P.O.E.T.

Its creator characterizes it as “Indian spices and Asian teas” within “Belgian café and Madagascar vanilla.” A friend who tried it described it as “some seriously next-level shit.” Though I could rhapsodize for 1500 words, I think the latter sentiment sums it up. Neither sweet nor savory, this Hawkwind of vape blends boasts one of the most sophisticated, palate-spanning taste profiles I’ve experienced: exotic and earthy, a mouthful of sunny flowers with deeper, complimentary herbal tones that are pungent but devoid of medicinal bitterness. While it’s hard to isolate any of its hundred harmonious elements, milky tea is close to the forefront. I don’t understand how something can be so satisfying yet still taste so… esoteric. The answer to the question “What Would Gandalf Vape?”, this is my top pick for 2015 and worth every damn penny.