Top 5 Trends of 2016

As 2015 winds down, perhaps you can’t help but wonder—what fresh new hell will this next year bring? Using the most modern technology and divination  tools at my disposal, I’ve prepared this trend forecast, guaranteed to be 100% accurate.

5. BEING “PAID IN EXPOSURE” WILL EXTEND TO SERVICE INDUSTRY, MANUAL LABOR

Listen, you’ve got to pay your dues. Plus, walking around and being near food is something you do in your free time, so this is probably really fun and creatively fulfilling for you. We don’t like to use the word “internship;” it sounds stuffy and still has a faint association with a reality in which you could be hired for pay at some point.

 

4. HIRING A TASKRABBIT TO CONVERT YOUR SOYLENT INTO ENERGY

You’re too evolved, civilized, and liberated to partake in the primitive ritual of eating. But there are still some days where you can’t find the time to gulp down your algae-based, tech-engineered superfood meal replacer. That’s why you’re going to utilize the online network of local jacks of all trades, and outsource the process by which your body extracts calories from food.

 

3. LEAKED MEMOS REVEAL VICE’S PLANS TO BECOME REAL ESTATE MOGUL

Fresh off the success of displacing  legendary punk venue Death By Audio, the purveyor of cutting-edge news, opinions, and culture decides to move deeper into the real estate game. “Waiting around for hot new bands to emerge from basements or DIY venues  creates an unnecessary delay in our access to content,” the memo explains. “If we actually own the house, we have unlimited access to all the information we need to stay current: which unknown bands have the potential to enhance our brand, which broken-up bands are ripe for a lucrative reunion tour, and where local tastemakers stand on key issues like juggalos, train-hopping, recreational use of cold medicine, etc.”

 

2. RISE IN INJURIES DUE TO PERFORMATIVE/RECREATIONAL ENGAGEMENT IN SKILLED TRADES

This age of technology has given birth to a new generation of Makers, people who say “no thanks” to the cloud and prefer instead to work with their  hands. The artisanally-inclined, who possess a rugged spirit, disposable income, and free time (and just happen to look really great in waxed canvas aprons and immaculate work boots) are rediscovering manual  labor. Unfortunately, the reality that activities like welding and carpentry do require some amount of training will compound with the hazard of dividing your attention between using power tools and posting pictures of yourself using power tools. This creates a major  surge in identity-fabrication related injuries and deaths.

 

1. CROWDFUNDING REPLACES ALL PUBLIC TAXES, WITH DONOR PERKS INCLUDING ROADS/SCHOOLS/HOSPITALS

It’s old news that our neoliberal capitalist democracy sentences public institutions to death by defunding them so that they can barely function, and by smearing them as fatally inefficient and partisan. Like public schools, healthcare, and the United  States Postal Service, the IRS is in the slow but sure throes of that  unnatural demise. Everyone knows that government is incompetent and slow! You know what really gets things done? Kickstarter. High from the triumph of eliminating poverty  by Toms-esque “you buy one, they get one” type consumer incentives, social entrepreneurs now turn their  attention to the commons. Taxes are over! It was boring listening to people argue about who should pay how much and we never got anywhere. Instead, pay however much you feel is appropriate and in return, part  of a bridge of your choice will be reinforced (after the full funding goal is met, of course).