(Sung to the melody of “The Christmas Song” a.k.a. “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire”)
🎵Well, well, welcome to America, y’all, where lots of people are scared;
they’re downright hysterical!
One side screams hooray and wears smiles that gleam!
While the other is stupefied; is this a bad dream?
Women potentially losing autonomy of our uteri?
Will we regenerate Jane, retaining our freedom on the sly?
And what of a broken bone or my medication, man?
Will a change in policy leave me unset or dead? No insurance? Damn.
When an unpredictable person holds the reins,
everything seems tenuous. Will he reverse all of our critical social gains?
Yeah, the times are feeling a little bleak, and my vibration is low.
Instead of fretting, I’m trying to stay active, my bro:
I make weird art, I clean a lot more,
I pray to the gods that we don’t end up in a civil war.
But, alas, I am a worry wart. I have hope that none of the above
will happen, nothing of the sort.
So as we tip-toe our way through this déjà vu administration,
I hope my silly words provide a little mind vacation.🎵
Thanks for reading my daft little poem, created with good meaning. Below you’ll find a few festive tips about cleaning!
What do you recommend I get as a Christmas present for someone I know who is a self-described clean freak?
(From the December 2020 issue) Oh man, I am SO excited about this question! I use this tool and tell everyone that will listen about it, because it is a little slice of heaven. OK, if you want to buy your clean freak the best cleaning gift ever, please buy them a Shark Navigator Pro Lift-Away NV370 (make sure to get the NV370. It is the OG, and it comes with better tools than any other Shark vacuum cleaner). This vacuum cleaner is like the Toyota Corolla of vacuum cleaners: reliable, affordable, and will run forever if maintained properly. This vacuum, like a Transformer, takes on many forms, all of which are super useful. In one configuration, it cleans carpets and rugs beautifully. In another configuration, it easily sucks up all those Christmas cookie crumbs from your bare floors. Have animals? Welp, this vacuum has a rad pet hair attachment that really sucks! Seriously, y’all, I could go on and on about this vacuum. I’ve used this brand and model for years, and it’s a real workhorse. Make sure that the Hard Floor Hero accessory is included with the vacuum when ordering. If it’s not, order it separately. It is THE BEST for bare floors, and I always hear the song “Juke Box Hero” by Foreigner when I think of this tool (and hopefully now you will too). Anyway, many of my clients and employees have purchased this vacuum since experiencing its power. Your clean freak is gonna love it.
How do I clean my grandmother’s antique brass menorah?
Well, Hanukkah Sameach, ma bubbeleh! I hope that you enjoy this Festival of Lights, which begins this year on the evening of December 25 and ends on the evening of January 2! After annually lighting your maw-maw’s sacred eight-stemmed candelabra, I’m sure it’s covered with tons of dried wax drips. Luckily, removing the wax is easy. One way to de-gunk your menorah is by using boiling water. Submerge it in a dish pan filled with hot water. The wax should come off and float to the surface. Let the menorah sit until the water cools, so as not to scald yourself when removing it. Grab some Dawn dish soap, warm water, and a sponge to lightly wash away the remaining wax. Another way to remove the wax is by freezing it. Place the menorah in your freezer. After about two hours, remove it. You should be able to easily pluck the wax off with your fingers or a credit card. Remove the remaining wax with dish soap, warm water, and a sponge. Mazel-tov!
How do I remove Christmas tree sap from my tile floor?
When I was a young Laplacian, one of my favorite times of year was when we decorated the Christmas tree. Because of my dad’s extreme aversion to messiness (pine needles and sap) and the cost of annually buying a “real” tree, in the Theriot household we had an artificial tree. In fact, we had the same tree for probably 20 years. By the end of its life, it looked very Charlie Brown Christmas-y. Anywho, I agree with my dad about the sap thing; it’s really annoying for your house and hands. For wet, goopy sap, isopropyl alcohol is an ace solution for the stickiness. Fill a spray bottle with two parts alcohol and one part water. Let this mixture sit for about an hour, then spray. Now grab a rag and wipe the area. Spray the sappiness again and wipe once more. If the sap is being stubborn, squirt a little Dawn dish soap on the spot and use a damp scouring pad to scrub away the remaining stickiness. If you’re dealing with dried sap, WD-40 works GREAT! Spray the spots with the lube and let it sit for a few minutes. Grab a rag and wipe it away. To get rid of any slick residue, wipe the area with a dish-soap-and-water-soaked sponge, then wipe with a dry rag. Now go buy an artificial tree!
I stained my shirt with eggnog. How do I remove the stain?
In my experience, you either love creamy, nutmeg-y eggnog or you hate it. I happen to love it and have spilled it on a few items of clothing. Not unlike an oil spill, you’ll want to act fast so as not to cause too much damage to the affected area. Blot the stain with a damp rag to remove any excess eggy liquid. Dissolve a small amount of your favorite enzymatic laundry detergent into a sink filled with cool water (plain water, not the popular ‘90s cologne). Let the shirt soak for an hour. Now launder the shirt as you usually would. Make sure that the stain is gone before you put it in the dryer. If it’s still visible, rub the enzymatic cleaner directly onto the spot and rewash it. I hope that helps!
Got cleaning questions? Email isabel@antigravitymagazine.com
illustrations by Ben Claassen III | @dirtfarm
