“There was a flower that flowered inward, womb-ward;
Now there is a fruit like a ripe womb.”
—Excerpt from “Figs” by D.H. Lawrence
Hello there. Have you been outside today? If so, you can attest to the fact that July 2025 is soul-suckingly steamy. It’s like walking through warm, sticky caramel. Even though I am currently sapped of energy and motivation due to this humid affront to my body, I am trying my damnedest to be grateful for July. For it is in the unbearable heat of this month that my favorite fruit is ripe for the pickin’—the glorious and glamorous fig! From my very first bite of fig cake, prepared by the nice, perpetually sloshed woman who lived across the street from my grandparents’ Grand Isle camp, I was smitten. After the cake, I robbed her tree of every jammy bauble. As is always the case with my love affairs, the object of my affection is quite complex. One of the oldest cultivated fruits, hailing originally from Turkey and Northern India, the fig or Ficus carica is not a fruit in the ordinary sense of the word. It is actually an inflorescent syconium, a fleshy pod-like structure in which teensy inverted flowers grow. There are hundreds of flowers in each fig, and depending on whether the fig is male or female, the tip of each flower contains an ovary. The ovary produces a single seed called an achene, then the ovary wall or pericarp hardens over the achene to protect it. Each achene is considered a dry simple fruit. So every time you chomp down on a sweet, sexy fig and feel all of those satisfying pop-rockesque crunches, you are technically eating lots of miniscule indehiscent fruit. Most commercially sold “common figs,” such as Black Mission, Celeste, and Brown Turkey, are self-pollinating or parthenocarpic; whilst most wild, edible fig varieties require the help of the fig wasp (Agaonidae) for pollination. Many people believe that when you eat wasp-pollinated figs, such as Smyrna and San Pedro, you are eating wasp parts, but this is not exactly true. For after the bugs die, their exoskeletons are dissolved by a fig-produced enzyme called ficin and absorbed by these fruity magicians. Figs are not only gorgeously delicious, they are great for our health! Oodles of fiber make them real gut busters, and they have also been proven to lower blood pressure, strengthen bones, and regulate blood sugar. Fig sap has antifungal properties and has been shown to treat ringworm and warts. Don’t go rubbing fig milk all over yourself, though. It’s very acidic and can cause rashes. So this month, as you slog through the treacherous swamp air, remember that without this heat, we wouldn’t have dat sweet, succulent fig meat. Now here are some tips.
My dog vomited on the rug. How do I remove the stain?
This question comes from my client-friends Davida and Josh. These two lovely people recently adopted a super cute crick-necked pup named Rupert. As animal lovers know, with the cuteness and companionship of owning a pet come yucky pet accidents. In the case of vomit, cleaning it up quickly is crucial. Since vomit contains digestive acids, bile, and proteins, it will stain if it marinates on a rug. Use a paper towel (or a cloth towel if you want to be eco-friendly like me) to remove any chunky dog vom. You might want to wear gloves, as dog puke can contain bacteria such as Salmonella, E. coli, and Campylobacter, and these can be transmitted to humans. Now, sprinkle baking soda over the remaining biley saliva, and let it sit for 15 minutes. The powder should absorb the liquid, making it easier to remove. Once completely dry, vacuum. Next, fill a spray bottle with half white vinegar and half water. Saturate the hurl stain with this solution. Use a rag dampened with warm water to lightly wipe the area in a brushing motion. Saturate the spot again. Cover this vinegar and H2O mixture completely with baking soda, then cover this potion with a hand towel and let it sit overnight. In the morning, lift the rag and vacuum the spot. Do you see a stain? If so, repeat the spray-sprinkle-cover process, periodically checking the spot to see if it has disappeared. If the hurl is dried, grab a fork to loosen the dusty crusties. This will be gross. Vacuum up the puke powder, and follow the instructions above.
My favorite coffee mug has coffee stains on the inside. How do I remove them?
I drink a lot of coffee, and I always drink it out of the same mug: my beautiful Sagittarius mug, ta da! Because this mug is filled with at least four cups of coffee each morning, and even though I wash the hell out of it after fueling up, it tends to develop a ring or two from time to time. My go-to remedy to remove the coffee rings that I missed during my ritualistic 55 perfectly symmetrical scrubs (I’m kidding—kinda) is to fill my mug with half boiling water and half white vinegar. Let this mixture do its magic for three minutes. After pouring the water out of the mug, sprinkle some baking soda onto a scouring pad and lightly scrub the inside of the mug. This should do the trick!
Got cleaning questions? Email isabel@antigravitymagazine.com
illustrations by Ben Claassen III
