Been doing this cleaning thing for a while,
I try to work with competence, finesse, and even style.
My meticulous nature can sometimes paralyze, I truly cannot hustle.
This is a dilemma. A ding dang mind kerfuffle.
A tight rope of happy clients and helpers I walk.
My balancing pole—necessity
and a white-knuckled pep talk.
But oh the interesting things that I’ve seen,
whilst cleaning hundreds of abodes.
For lots of surprises come with sweeping
and the scrubbing of commodes.
I always “Knock, knock” before opening a door.
But one morning after a welcoming “Come in,”
mine eyes were screaming “ouch!”
For sitting right before me, a naked man on a couch!
I can’t forget the time when I was cleaning a powder room
and lifted up the bath mat,
awaiting me was a surprise, gut-wrenching and absurd.
For gently resting on the tile, a lonely little turd.
And then there was the client in which protection
was most important—the clincher.
Loaded guns were strewn upon the floor,
on which played a sweet baby Doberman Pinscher.
If in ‘98 I brought to the State Palace Theatre all the oodles of drugs
that I’ve found whilst dusting,
Disco Donnie would be in jail for life, if found during that attempted
crack-house-rave busting.
I want to barf when thinking about the maggots in that blender,
unfortunately I cannot return that memory to the client sender.
So when I’m stressed out and ready to quit,
I remind myself that in cleaning there is a type of glory,
for the most appalling thing often makes the best story.
I’m so happy for each crazy experience and the lessons that I glean,
Because now I get to share them with you in this here magazine.
How do I get Super Glue out of my shirt?
This question comes from a fellow named Nazary Nebeluk, MD, PhD. Dr. Nazary is a fellow of infectious disease medicine at the University Of Maryland Medical Center. Hi Nazary! I received this question in March and have been trying to crack the code of this sticky situation since then, with little luck. Turns out that Super Glue is indeed super. Super Glue is made of the monomer compound ethyl 2-cyanoacrylate (C6H7NO2). This compound is made up of an acrylic resin. When exposed to the hydroxyl ions in water, ethyl 2-cyanoacrylate undergoes a process called anionic polymerization, in which the monomers link up to form a big ol’ polymeric plastic mesh that sneaks its way into all the microscopic crevices of the object upon which it is squirted. And boy does it hold. One square inch of Super Glue can hold (upwards) of a frickin’ ton! No foolin’. Turns out that tenacious Super Glue was invented by mistake. Way back in 1942 during World War II, an inventor for the Eastman Kodak Company named Dr. Harry Wesley Coover Jr. was working on the development of clear plastic gun sights, and cyanoacrylate was discovered. While super strong, it wasn’t suitable for use near eyeballs due to its extreme stickiness. So the compound was set aside and forgotten about until Coover was developing heat-resistant polymers for jet canopies, and since cyanoacrylate bonds things permanently, it was perfect. Super Glue was patented in 1956 as Alcohol-Catalyzed Cyanoacrylate Adhesive Compositions/Superglue! The fact that Super Glue is made to hold forever became abundantly clear to me during my Super Glue removal experiments. I dribbled it on a few of my ruinable work shirts… and ruined them. I first tried soaking the hard-plasticy portions of the shirt in 100% acetone (nail polish remover). I was given false hope when I removed the soaked area and it was smooth and supple. As soon as I rinsed the shirt, those strong monomers linked arms and red-rovered the acetone right off. Next, I tried soaking the shirt in acetone for 30 minutes, then rubbing the area with salt, because I read that the ionic reaction between salt and cyanoacrylate would loosen the bond. Not only did this not work, but it turned the hardened area white. After this, I soaked the spot in vinegar for an hour, poured boiling water over it, vigorously scrubbed it with Dawn dish soap, then tried scraping off the splotch with a butter knife. Not the slightest budge, except the fabric ripping apart. After these experiments, I pretty much gave up. But I couldn’t let it go. I refused to die on the DIY sword. After searching online, reading a few mixed reviews about Super Glue debonders, and finding an affordable one online (Bob Smith BSI-161H UN-CURE Super Glue Debonder), I decided to go back into battle. And god dernit if it didn’t work! I soaked the hard, whitened glue spots, waited a minute, gave it a little rub, soaked it one more time, and the glue—along with the white stain—completely dissolved. I then soaked the shirt in a little mild dish soap and water and let it dry, and the Bob Smith residue disappeared too! Turns out that debonders contain dimethylformamide (DMF) and N-methylpyrrolidone (NMP). These compounds are dipolar aprotic solvents, which disrupt hydrogen bonds and break that strong-armed connection. I hope this works for you, my friend!
Got cleaning questions? Email isabel@antigravitymagazine.com
illustrations by Ben Claassen III | @dirtfarm
