Hello all! I have some exciting news! Big changes are on the horizon for my company Eco-Clean Cleaning Service. I’m exhausted by all the extra scrubbing necessary when using eco-friendly products, and, let’s face it, fighting to save the Earth is a losing battle. After months of these thoughts tornadoing through my head, I’ve decided to flip the script and rebrand my company. Starting this month, it’s all about making cleaning quicker and easier. Instead of putting in the extra muscle and time that cleaning with white vinegar and other environmentally safe ingredients requires, chemical-laden products (think fabulous Fabuloso!) that melt away dirt whilst potentially giving a person COPD and unsustainable practices (use of tons of paper products) are the name of the game for the new and carefree EGO CLEAN! April Fools’, fool! I’m def still gonna work my buns off cleaning grimy bathtubs with safe, Earth-friendly products. Ah, I love April Fools’ Day. One of my favorite pranks was the one in which I told my dad that I was becoming a Scientologist. I really got him! According to some sources, April Fools’ Day originated in 1582 after Pope Gregory XIII replaced the Julian calendar, which miscalculated the length of the solar year by 11 minutes, with the Gregorian or New Style calendar. In order to make sure that Easter always falls on or between March 22 and April 25, the Gregorian calendar recognizes January 1st as the first day of the New Year. Previously, April 1st was considered by many to be the beginning of the new year, as it fell round about the start of the Spring Equinox. Lots of people (especially Protestants) were angry with the change, as they felt that it was a plot by the (sneaky, monarchist) Catholic church to exact control over others’ beliefs and practices. Due to anger or forgetfulness, many still observed April 1st as the start of the new year. The French were especially tickled by this contrarian behavior, and in the spirit of calling out this “accidental” non-observance of the new New Year date they called them “April Fools” and pulled pranks on those Gullible Garys/Stubborn Sallys. Since then, April Fools’ Day has become a fun 24 hours of attempted dunking on your most gullible family and friends. So on April 1st, allow your hilarious sadist side, however small, to take over and find joy in teasing others! Cleaning hacks await you below, no foolin’!
I have lots of semen stains on my clothes. How can I remove them?
Well, well, well. Are you a trigger-happy narcoleptic with saucy dreams, or perhaps a whimsical creature prone to flights of half-dressed fancy? I think that I’ve probably seen more of this particular variety of stain than the average human, as I clean the rooms of many, many teenage boys. And boys will be unabashedly horny, shameless, and messy! Semen is a slick plasmic substance composed of 70% seminal vesical fluid that is chock-full of sugar, giving those little spermatozoa the energy for their exciting journey to that exquisite egg. Twenty-five percent of prostatic fluid contains citric acid and zinc, which facilitates motility and neutralizes the acidic environment through which trailblazing sperm travel. Along with nutrients and metabolites such as potassium and citrate, proteins, and slippery, urethra-lubricating bulbourethral fluid, girl-crazy gametic sperm make up a measly 5% of spooge. Because jizz is an organic material filled with protein and enzymes, it clings tenaciously to fabric, whilst its alkalinity and slight acidity changes the color of said fabric. Just as when ephemeral sperm cannonball towards a ripe egg, time is of the essence when cleaning up cum. The quicker you sop it up, the easier it is to prevent staining. Grab a rag and lightly blot away the excess semen. Rinse the spot with cold water, lightly rubbing it to loosen its hold. Never use hot water, as it will cause the protein-laden schmutz to coagulate and cook into the fabric. 🤮Add two squirts of Dawn dish soap to a bucket or tub filled with cold water, and let the stained fabric sit for an hour. After the hour is up, lightly rub the fabric together with your fingers. Rinse the suds away with cold water. Let the garment air dry. If the stain is holding fast, an enzymatic cleaner is a good option. I like Odoban. I hope that this helps with your post-pleasure predicament.
How do I remove spray adhesive and glitter off of hardwood floors?
I feel your pain. I spend a fair amount of time crafting getups using sequins, glitter, and glue for the oodles of costume-requisite events in New Orleans, and much of this material ends up stuck to my floors. Grab a butter knife and LIGHTLY scrape off any excess glue/glitter. Next, cover the spot with WD-40. Let this sit for about 30 minutes. Use a soft rag to wipe away the lubricant. Now squirt some Dawn into a bowl of warm water, dip a rag into it, and rub the spot with the rag. This should get rid of any residue. If the stain isn’t budging, try dabbing the spot with a fingernail polish remover-soaked cotton ball. While this will most likely work, there is a chance that this method might discolor the wood, so let it be a last resort. Good luck!
Got cleaning questions? Email isabel@antigravitymagazine.com
illustrations by Ben Claassen III
