Costco
In the face of inevitable catastrophic climate change that will render our planet uninhabitable within the next century, Costco unveils its new Earth 24-pack. “When our species is driven from this Earth by the effects of rapid anthropogenic warming, we can simply pop down to the basement and grab another,” CEO W. Craig Jelinek explains, showcasing the convenient terra-dispenser. “With such a large quantity, we save money, and the best part is that we only have to buy a new pack every 108,000,000,000 years.”
Starbucks
In a continued effort to reduce waste, Starbucks will no longer use paper cups. Instead, baristas will begin preparing espresso drinks directly in customers’ mouths. CEO Howard Schulz states that the company is focused on reducing ecological impact, not on attending to the myriad complaints of a still-quite-disposable customer base. “These are the folks who think pumpkin spice flavor is at all related to pumpkins and/or spice. They’ll take a face latte and shut the hell up if they know what’s good for them.”
Apple
According to Seth at the Genius Bar, ClimateOS 8 is really designed for the updated Earth6+, and won’t really run well on our current Earth3S, so we should really just upgrade. We mean, we swore we would keep this one for good, and we’ve even kind of grown fond of the depleted rainforest, melted polar icecaps, and animals driven to extinction that give us a sort of hipster galaxy cred, but seeing all those other untrodden planetary bodies running smoothly really makes us pine for a fresh terrane. Maybe we’ll get a case this time.
Hobby Lobby
Hobby Lobby employees will spend Earth Day outside of their respective stores spraying aerosol cans of craft enamel into the sky. “The Book of Revelation is pretty clear about the fiery annihilation of Earth. Our role is not to stop the Apocalypse, but rather to welcome it,” explains David Green, CEO. “And until the glorious return of the risen Christ, every American should have access to affordable home décor and art supplies.”
Walmart
Still reeling from the 2013 FBI investigation which found the company in violation of EPA standards of hazardous waste disposal, Walmart is taking a novel approach to lowering its waste altogether. As CEO Douglas McMillon explains, “Hazardous waste is a byproduct of the consumption of goods. Our 2.2 million employees currently earn enough money to consume food nearly every day, which produces a staggering amount of waste. By reducing worker salaries, we can ensure less consumption and directly reduce hazardous waste.”
Coca-Cola
A decade after the soft drink giant was slammed by reports that its manufacturing plants were both overtaxing—and in some cases contaminating—local water supplies, Coke is currently revolutionizing its approach to conservation by eliminating water from its famous formula. Bottles and cans of Coke will now contain a dehydrated powder which, when mixed with human saliva, greatly resembles the flavor and texture of classic Coca Cola syrup. “If you really let your mouth water for a little while, you can get pretty close to what a mouthful of liquid Coke used to taste like,” advises CEO Muhtar Kent. “I mean, throw a little ice in there, and you have yourself a refreshing, environmentally friendly drink.”
Bank of America
Eager to recover from the 2006 World Wildlife Fund report which gave BoA an average score of 0.85 out of 4 in environmentally sustainable banking practices, the financial giant is turning the corner on decades of investment in unsustainable infrastructure, opting instead for a hipper and greener pop- up approach inspired in part by the ongoing American food truck craze. As CEO Brian Moynihan puts it, “the modern Bank of America customer is a true individual, someone who’s ready to ditch the monolithic depository of yesterday, with its uncompassionate marble and roped-in lines of transacting customer-drones. He’d rather do his banking in a quiet corner of the local park, or in the back of a shared DIY art space. Instead of some stuffy teller in a clip-on tie pushing dirty bills out from under protective glass and calling ‘next,’ a mustachioed youth named Auden will tell you about his noise band while counting artisanal hundreds onto a table made out of wood reclaimed from the Lower 9.”
